Herpes Jokes

TWO LINERS

Q: How does herpes leave the hospital?
A: On crotches

Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Herpes lasts forever

Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea -- it can be cured.

Q: Why is Michael Irvin (Dallas Cowboys) like herpes?
A: He's embarrassing,  goes away for weeks but then comes back, and responds well to drugs.

Q: Why did the dumb blonde name her dog Herpes
A: Because it wouldn't heel

Q: How can you tell if you're staying over at the wrong girl's apartment?
A: The towels in her bathroom are labeled "His" and "Herpes."

Q: What is a nymphomaniac's worst nightmare?
A: Meeting a handsome guy with a real big penis and herpes.

LITTLE TOMMY'S DEAD FROG
One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of  string along behind him (Thud thud thud etc.)   He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not  unkindly, "you're too young yet for this." Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a $100 bill which he slaps on the desk and  beams brightly. "Up the stairs, 3rd door on   the  right" comes the reply as the $100 vanishes.Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries.   "No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy  reaches into the other pocket and another $100 appears. "Ahh, last door on the left..." he  is  told.Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud thud thud), and  some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (with frog) when she calls him back. "I can understand curiosity at your age," she says,  "but why the active herpes?""Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the babysitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on  mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

JEWISH HERPES
There were two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street. Ruth says to Golda, "My son,  Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may  have a disease called herpes.
Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled.  As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home -- I'll look it up and call you." So, Golda  goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth... "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry! It says...herpes is a disease of the  gentiles!"

GENITAL HERPES ANAGRAMS
                    The large penis.
                    A serene plight.
                    Hate leper sign.
                    Help greet a sin.
                    Gather in sleep. [they only come out at night...]
                    Spangle it here.
                    Sing! Heal peter! [music therapy? note slang: peter=penis]
                    Seething pearl.
                    Herpes A? Tingle.
                    [and by the way: Genital=A tingle]
                    A greenish pelt.
                    A pee length, sir. [doesn't seem to mean anything, but sounds good]
                    Shine large pet
                    Heal tense grip.
                    Heal pee string.
                    His gentle rape.
                    Gentile phrase.  [?]

THE OFFICIAL SEX QUIZ
Study each question carefully. Then choose True or False.  ?.
A clitoris is a type of flower.  ?.
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.  ?.
"Spread-eagle" is an extinct bird.  ?.
Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart  trouble.  ?.
A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.  ?.
A g-string is part of a violin.  ?.
Semen is another word for "sailors."  ?.
Anus is the Latin word for "yearly."  ?.
Testicles are found on an octopus.  ?.
Asphalt describes rectal troubles.  ?.
KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.  ?.
Masturbate is used to catch large fish.  ?.
Coitus is a musical instrument.  ?.
Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke."  ?.
An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.  ?.
A condom is an apartment complex.  ?.
An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in  church.  ?.
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.  ?.
A dildo is a variety of sweet pickles.  ?.
An erection is when Japanese vote for their new  government officials.  ?.
A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.  ?.
Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.  ?.
Pornography is the business of making record albums.  ?.
Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.  ?.
Douche is the Italian word for "twelve."?.
An enema is someone who is not your friend.  ?.
Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.  ?.
Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus.  ?.
A vulva is an automobile from Sweden.  ?.
A Fallopian Tube is a part of a television set.  ?.
Fellatio refers to an Italian dagger.  ?.
Cunnilingus refers to someone who can speak foreign  languages.  ?.
Phallus was a city on the Nile.  ?.
VD is an American holiday celebrated on November 11.  ?.
A homosexual is a technician who purifies milk  ?.
Herpes was a Greek god. ?.
 

GREETINGS THAT HALLMARK NEVER USED....
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!'Cause when I got one, I got real snippy.
I heard you had herpes And I feel terrible.I'd say "get well soon" But I know it's incurable.
My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire, I found your cat.  Sorry!
You had your bladder removed, And you're on the mends.Here's a bouquet of flowers And a box of Depends.
So you lost your job, It's one of those hardships in life.Next time, work harder And stay away from the boss's wife.
I heard you had herpes And I feel terrible.I'd say "get well soon" But I know it's incurable.

DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes one good  look at this woman and his professionalism is a   thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he  begins to stroke her thigh. As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I'm doing ?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any  abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "Correct," says the doctor. He then  begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now", he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or  breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to  having sexual intercourse with her."Do you know," he pants "what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

MILITARY JOB CUTBACKS
As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early  retirement, thus permitting the  retention of lower  paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.   A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active  Personnel Early (RAPE).Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment  within the Department of the Army. To that end,  RAPEd soldiers will be  required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and   experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered  before being bypassed in the  hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher  Authority Following  Termination (SHAFT) phase. CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army  leadership deems appropriate.If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance  (HERPES). As HERPES is  considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.

HEADLINES
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails;  Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Indicates
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Line
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
New Study for Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Red Tape Holding Up Bridges
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
1. A beer makes life easier.
2. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
3. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
4. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
5. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
6. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
7. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
8. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
9. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
10. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
11. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
12. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
13. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
14. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
15. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
16. A beer will never smell like a man.
17. You can't get herpes from a beer.