Thanks for the input all, I'm really torn over all of this. As I said, even without meds, I deal with it. There is never much pain, but it just looks bad. I took a few rounds of Acyclovir, that my dad had gotten for me for his oral HSV. It really improved the look of things, but the lesions, and fissures never went away completely. That is why I'm so afraid of comitting to the military, any doctor would immediately know what was up.

Ive' had to deal with a lot of other issues in my life and the H is another complication. It is beggining to feel like the proverbial straw breaking this camel's back. The fact that it ruined a potentialy very special evening is merely par for the course. Iv'e had to deal with the fact that my ex who gave me this may have done so intentionally... to either avoid the stress of worrying about it, or to give me a reason to end our relationship. Once that didn't work she cheated on me with her ex husband, who gave her the H in the first place. So that put the final nail in my coffin.

Iv'e tried to pick up the pieces of my life, and coming here has helped, but as Groucho Marx once said " I wouldn't want to be a part of a club that would have me as a member."

It seems to me that there should be a cure for this somewhere, but it becomes a matter of profit margins, and spreadsheets. Since the drug companies don't seem interested, maybe we can get the military to develop technology a la " fantastic voyage" Just shrink a mini sub, and crew, inject them into the bloodstream, and send them to where this virus lives. I'm sure there could be some sort of cold laser, or cytoplasmic net or something to rid us of it. Well, somedays I still have my sense of humor.

As for the other situation, in my embarrassment I neglected to get her number, or address... so I'm sure she thinks I'm a jerk now. As for telling, I have too much concern in my heart for her to put her at risk. It seems all of my romances have sad music at the end of them. I hear Roger Daltry screaming out " love.... reign over me!" As in the scene from Quadrophenia.

I seem to relate to the ending scene more now than I ever did, did he really drive his Vespa off of the cliff, or did he jump off before it went over? DG.

Have you tried lysine? Read Opal's post "HELP"
This really seems to work for a lot of people.

And you can contact her through the wedding couple, did you think of that? Ask them to pass a message to her if they won't give you her address.

"They say love conquers all, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun." --Warren Zevon

LAST EDITED ON May-23-03 AT 00:07 AM (CDST)

Hi Alone!
First of all, about the military thing...Call a recruiter, one not in your imediate area, and ask about your options of getting into the military with herpies. If they can give a waiver to people who have serious fellonies, then surely they can waiver an extreamly common virus!!! If you have to hide it to get in then do it and DON'T TELL THEM at the "moment of truth" time in Basic Training! The military was a terific experience for me. It helped me build my confidence in myself which has also helped me cope with the herpies.
Second, about this girl. You know that you did the right thing--FEEL PROUD!!! IT'S A HARD THING TO DO! As far as the future goes with women, read Rajah's tips for telling a future partner. If you're still not ready for that, I've found that the most interesting singles on the internet are those coping with std's. They are mostly regular folks who get asked out all the time, but have trouble explaining about this disease without the annonymoty of the internet. I go to Positivesingles.com. Check out my profile there if you'd like!

Hi, I have had herpes for 8 years now... I thought my love life was over, felt so dirty, cried a lot and was terrified of anything that seemed like a symptom. I didn't date for a long time, and then dated people only from herpes dating services for awhile. Over time, and yes, it took time, I have learned that I am not herpes. I have a virus that many many people have. It's annoying, uncomfortable, and inconvenient. So are yeast infections. So is the common cold.

I remember the first time, with terror in my heart, I told a man I cared about I had herpes. After that, we went out for nine months and the relationship ended for reasons that had nothing to do with herpes. Over time, as I have been involved with several men in the last eight years and none of them have reacted with horror and threw me out of their lives (like I pictured , I have begun to really realize that it's just not the end of the world. For a long time I gave a lot of power to my healthy partners--I felt at such a disadvantage in the relationship. I have to remind myself that they are adults, and if they decide to take the risk, they've made the decision without pressure from me. I tell them I have herpes, they do the research (no, I don't bother to get pamphlets, they have computers and if they want to learn more, they can do the research themselves). If they decide that they are willing to take the risk (and so far, all of them have--so don't despair , I do my part by being VERY careful and always err on the side of caution -- and have never given anybody this virus.

Anyway, when you tell him, if you haven't already, keep in your mind that he cares about you, you have a lot to offer, and this is not a tragedy--be light and he will respond to that, be tragic, and he'll respond to that too (believe me, I've been tragic, and I've been light--light is a LOT easier for both). Anyway, I look back at those first suffering years and feel sad that I let herpes control my life and define who I was. And I thank God that I found myself again. That said, I've recently met someone new and yes, I dread having the talk. But if he continues to seem like such a great guy, I'll have that talk, and I'm absolutely confident that he'll deal with it. Good luck to you! Lisa

light

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around." Vanilla Sky 2001

light

you're right, Opal!! Excellent post, ty.

"They say love conquers all, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun." --Warren Zevon

Then, he should get some pals together and go out and see "X2" or "Matrix Reloaded" and have a ton of popcorn and some good laughs. Sitting around and being bummed really sucks. I'm not saying this virus isn't a major drag (read my post entitled "HELP!!" I *know* it's bad, and, in my case, it's a constant challenge to my health)...but I insist upon having a life. We've all got to do that. Otherwise, we have nothing but our herpes. Screw that.

Life is full of surprises, and some of them are very unpleasent. To me, this is a detour, not a dead end. Don't let it be a dead end for you, Sir Galahad! You're one righteous dude!

HUG

I was probably pretty typical growing up, used to laugh whenever I heard the word. It always made a stir in the classroom. I'd never knew anyone who had it. Other than people who'd get a few " cold sores" but it was like they got them as kids, likely from kissing someone who was infected. This is how my parents got theirs, and it never was made to be a big deal.

Of course now I feel deply the stigma of the genital version of the virus. I hate Jay Leno for continuously pandering to his audience with the constant Herpes jokes. It seems to me he is just fueling the fear in the uniformed. He sucks, Letterman is the true Late night king.

I am the only one in my peer group who has this, and I feel it makes me a pariah of sorts, I know that I'm letting it kill me emotionally. Whenever people ask me how I am, I know that I'm lying when I say I'm fine. I never seem to forget that my penis always looks like a pier piling with barnacles on it, it took me forever to be finally able to get an erection, my last date with Rosie Palmer left me bloody. So another reason why my failed evening hurts me even more.

I have been taking lysine, and using other supplements for overall health. I just can't figure out why the outbreaks have not subsided. It is like Ive' had this for a year, and the skin has been broken out for 95% of that time period.

As for my ladyfriend, when the wedding couple returns from their honeymoon, I will get her adress, and contact her. I'm going to be scared shitless, and it will be akward as hell. It feels like a knife in my guts not being able to explain myself about what happened... I want to tell her that when I saw her come into the room my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest, and all of the other emotions that I felt as the heat began to build. I want to tell her that I had to protect her in a way that I wasn't....my own ignorance contributed to me getting this. I'm afraid that as she has seemingly dodged a bullet, that she will not consciously risk being with me, no matter how gallant I appear. I keep seeing the look on her face, when I told, and remembering my heart feel like it stopped.

My demeanor in the morning didn't help, and I left it all unsaid, out of fear. DG.

*PLEASE*.

HUG

I'm glad you're going to reconnect with your lady friend. You have to think about this from her perspective before you beat yourself up and think she wants nothing to do with you. It can be very hard to deal with hearing "I have herpes" from a partner. It is especially difficult to process this news when you are naked. Many people will need to think about it, research it, talk it over. When my husband told me on our first date seven years ago, I was a little freaked out, but I was crazy over him. I took a few days, did some reading and decided he was worth it. So I think that the way she reacted just says that she is a rational human.

You know, I was just typing this to someone earlier, everyone has baggage that they bring to a relationship. Some people have been married before, some have kids, some have served time in prison, some have financial problems, some are recovering from substance abuse...anyhow, I kind of think of herpes as being one of those situations. Some people are okay with people's past mistakes and some people aren't, just like some people are okay with herpes and some aren't. I never blame people for not being okay with it, if it's not something they're willing to risk, that's okay. It takes a very special person to love all of you, your herpes included. My husband was that way...and you know, I did end up with it, and it's not that big of a deal to me anymore. Anyhow, someone mentioned antivirals. You may want to consider suppressive therapy. If I were dating, I think it would be a selling point...the FDA recently approved the use of it for preventing transmission (by cutting the asymptomatic shedding rate).

Jay Leno is a dick. I would love to travel to LA to kick his ass. He does nothing but contribute to the stigma associated with herpes. Letterman ROCKS.

Hang in there man. Let us know what happens with your girl.

Cheers~
Janene

So, a hypothesis really, are the jokes a way for him to cope? Don't know, they always seem mean spirited. Maybe somebody else heard that one too.

I'm going to see a doctor, and explain my situation, maybe he/she could do something so the military won't exclude me. I had to ask myself, if I could take a pill daily to keep this from manifesting itself, would I? Of course, but the problem is that the virus is never truly gone. I think that is what bothers me a lot, that along with the fear that it could spoil love for me.

My relationship history reads like some dark comedy, the girl that I actually received my first kiss from after high school, and pursued to no avail actually came out of the closet. I had to laugh. I wasted another several years chasing after, a strict Christian girl, who despite being scandalously flirtatious, was truly frigid. Then the girl that I got this virus from was truly white trash, I just wouldn't admit it because my needs were being taken care of, and I thought that she was different than she turned out to be. So sometimes it just gets to me, and "nobody knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes." DG

And yeah, I think your hunch about Leno may be the truth. Comedy is a way of coping with personal issues, any comedian can tell you that. But I have heard from many quarters that Jay is VERY happily married and has been for decades. Close ties? LOL!

Maybe he feels that making jokes about it will actually make people laugh because it will hit close to home....maybe he knows the statistics.

"They say love conquers all, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun." --Warren Zevon

Leno and his wife (Mavis) have been together for at least 20 years, but that doesn't mean he wasn't kinky with Sandra Bernhardt before he met his wife. And btw...pretty interesting that she came out about having it, isn't it? I have new respect for her.

HUG

Now: about letting this virus destroy your love-life: you've already let it do that, because you have let it make you hate yourself. If you don't love you, you're screwed. At the risk of getting maudlin here: learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. It's true. Now you have to ask yourself:
What kind of person am I?
Am I a good friend?
Would I get up in the middle of the night to help a buddy in need?
Do I have a kind heart?
Do I try to treat others as I would like to be treated myself??
Would I kick a stray dog in the face?
Would I mug and old lady?
Stuff like that. *That's* what really matters, not what nasty little life-form has decided to take up residence in your central nervous system. Did you ask for it? Would you knowingly pass it on to some poor unsuspecting slob? I think the answer to that is very clear.
And ask yourself this:
If I had leukemia, would I hate myself for *that*?
If I were blind? If I had cancer? If I had a bad cold??? OF COURSE NOT. It's because this is a *sexually* transmitted disease that you keep beating yourself up about it, and you have to realize once and for all that it doesn't matter how you got it or what part of you it affects; it's a *virus*. Not a value-judgement. If you had mono, you'd be very careful not to pass it along, but you wouldn't think less of yourself as a human being for having it, would you? It's the permanent nature of this that you are struggling with, but blindness is permanent, too. You would *not* think you were a lousy person for being blind. Well...I'm beating this to death....
My point is: if you go on suppression, and the symptoms abate, you'll be very surprised at how differently you'll see this. You're right: it'll be there, waiting in the wings for the curtain to come up, but if it never comes up, you'll forget it's there, and yes, it'll get in the way of some of the relationships you may want to have, but (and here's the irony) the best and most worthy people won't care about it. Sure, some good women will think twice, an