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"Give me a reason to stay around"

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Chicago Feb-20-00, 03:39 PM (CST)

"Give me a reason to stay around"

HHP Group,
I have no Idea how to start this, or to finish it. Please stay with me through what may just be many lines of rambling. I'm a 28 year old male who has been married for 3 years now. I am not going to pretend that I loved life before I found out that I had H. I've dealt with depression for all of my life. Not severly deep depression, but serious at times. If you knew me today you would never know that I didn't enjoy life. I always have a smile on my face, I'm constantly joking, and I have just about everything on this planet to live for. On the surface, things couldn't appear better.
The problem is that I'm now dealing with a depression that I can not shake. I can not find a reason for me to be alive anymore. I don't know how to turn this one damn virus into a positive. You see, when I got married three years ago, I figured that I had made it out of the single life unscathed. I always used protection in my single days, I got checked for std's anyway every 6 months, and I can count on one hand how many people I've slept with my entire life. When my wife and I started dating, she was actually in a long distance relationship with someone at the time. We told each other that we'd enjoy the situation until her and her boyfriend finally got back together in the same location and that the relationship would stay on that level. We never expected to fall in love with one another. Anyway, one day her boyfriend calls and says he's coming home. We had to confront our feelings at this time and make a decision on our future together. She said that she would stay with me, but I could see in her eyes that she would always be thinking about "what if", if I didn't let her go to him. She saw him, made her decision, then and came back to me. A few months later we got married.
About a year after that I started to get (what I now know as) symptoms. They were just general itching in my pubic area. Nothing on my penis or anything, not any blisters or enlarged lymph nodes. Nothing. As far as I was concerned, it was jock itch. I played lots of sports up until a month ago and playing football for 8 years, it was somthing that I had run into before. About a week ago I got, what I can only explain as a growth, that was 1 1/2 inch long and 1/2 inch wide. It was right in between where my thigh creases with my pubic area. I woke up that morning and it was hurting like hell. About a day later I realize that the center of the growth had a peak and looked like a blister in the middle. The skin eventually broke and I'm not even getting into the rest of it.
Just knowing that this is going on in my body has made me sick to my stomach. At first I thought that It may be cancer seeing as I had been treated for throat cancer only 4 years ago. That thought went out of my mind the second that I saw the blister. I showed my wife and she said that she had no idea what It might have been. Then I started snooping on the internet for things that It might be. I never in my wildest dreams thought that it would be this. We think that she got it from her boyfriend when she went to see him that one last time. She's confident that she didn't have anything before we met and showed me her medical records to prove it. She's in the military so her medical history for the last 6 years is very easy to run down. We have a extreamly secure relationship and no cheating has been going on.
I am finding it hard to see how I can come to bear with this for the rest of my life. I'm 28 and have at least that much time left on my life clock to deal with this. Yes I'm having what my mom likes to call a "Pitty party". I am not the type of person that deals with this type of thing easily. I feel like a walking disease. We are now waiting for my wife's test results to come in. Weather she's possitive or negitive doesn't really matter to me. The fact of the matter is, if she just comes in contact with the sore( Or sores if this just turns out to be the first of many ) it could spread to other parts of her body as well as mine. Hell, I'm afraid to touch myself while I take a piss now. What happens if I'm not carefull and pass it on to a friend or their kids or something just playing with them? What if I end up digging in my damn eye and getting it there too, or some other part of my face? That is not living to me. Like I said earlier, I played all types of physical sports. I'm even afraid to do that anymore. All the things that have happened to me in my life are flooding back in and all I can ask is why? Why now when things should just be getting good for me does something like this have to happen? My oral sex days are already over and I'm not even 30 yet. I LOVE ORAL SEX! At least I use to. A week ago I quit my job working for a local youth center. I felt that, that was the safest thing to do being around the kids all day. I think you can see what's happening here. I'm slowly but surly cutting off all ties to the world around me. I have written simular letters to other message boards seeking ways that others have come to grips with this. I am past the talking down phase and I'm looking deperately for that one bit of information that will make me want to wake up in the morning. I don't want to go this early, or this way, but I need more of a reason to stay like this than I need a reason to die like this. Thanks for listening.
~Chicago

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Table of contents

Question, Laurie, Feb-20-00, (1)
RE: Question, prissy, Feb-20-00, (2)
Laurie/Prissy, Claudia, Feb-20-00, (3)
RE: Question , cheyenne, Feb-22-00, (15)
RE: Give me a reason to stay around, Katkin, Feb-20-00, (4)
RE: Give me a reason to stay around, Frank, Feb-20-00, (5)
RE: Give me a reason to stay around, Orion, Feb-20-00, (6)
RE: Give me a reason to stay around, Cheerup, Feb-20-00, (7)
RE: Give me a reason to stay around, gayguy, Feb-21-00, (8)
Here is a reason....., lisx, Feb-21-00, (9)
RE: Give me a reason to stay around, will, Feb-23-00, (19)
RE: Give me a reason to stay around, Rajah, Feb-21-00, (10)
RE: Give me a reason to stay around, Della, Feb-21-00, (11)
Della, welcome.., Rajah, Feb-21-00, (12)
Its a wonderful life!!! , tinman, Feb-21-00, (13)
RE: Give me a reason to stay around, princess_meg15, Feb-21-00, (14)
RE: Give me a reason to stay around, Ocean, Feb-22-00, (16)
RE: Give me a reason to stay around, Ocean, Feb-22-00, (17)
RE: Give me a reason to stay around, atlanta, Feb-23-00, (18)

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Laurie Feb-20-00, 04:06 PM (CST)

1. "Question"

LAST EDITED ON Feb-20-00 AT 04:10 PM (CST)
You didn't say how you were diagnosed with herpes.
But if it is, I'm not sure I understand the problem. Happily married (except for the depression?)?
Oral sex is not out of the question.
Sex is not out of the question.
Running around with other women and not telling them you have herpes, that is out of the question. You're married. Not much needs to change unless one of you is positive and the other is negative, and then you might have to be a little more careful but it's certainly manageable.
You aren't going to pass it to anybody casually. You don't have to worry about the kids, even if they were your kids and held by you constantly, it's not going to happen. It just doesn't work that way. Knowledge is key here, check out the awareness links above and to the left and learn everything you can.
Her medical records aren't going to show if she had asymptomatic herpes before. Testing for herpes is not that easy and is not part of the standard workup.
What kind of testing did you have? I'm just not clear on whether you were diagnosed with herpes or whether you are assuming you have it because you had a blister. Lots of things cause blisters.
What are you doing to treat your depression? Or are you too depressed to do anything about it? (I'm not being flip here, I almost died when I went through a serious episode of depression because I didn't have the energy to eat, much less take my butt to a doctor.)

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prissy Feb-20-00, 05:56 PM (CST)

2. "RE: Question"

I just want to tell you that there is so much to live for. I too, am depressed. I found out January 1, 2000. I was in love and thought he loved me; however, my entire world changed on that day. Needless to say, he isn't here to help me through this. He is with his wife (whom he said that he was in the process of divorcing.) I found out alot of truths that day including the herpes. I went to the doctor the following week and was properly diagnosed. I started seeing a therapist for all this and had an emotional breakdown to boot. I am you in a lot of ways. I am the strong, funny, looks like I got it all together type, yet on the inside I feel so alone and have "pitty parties" on a regular basis. My therapist and gyn have put me on Celexa (antidepressant)and I have responded well to it. My best friend has herpes kerotine (the eye thing) and she will soon have her first baby in 2 more months. I am single and a mom of a 9 year old. I am only 32 and feel like I don't have a single chance to find someone to share my life with, but I have people who love me and need me. You do too. It is fine to cry and feel all the things you feel, but you need to see all the wonderful things around you. Your work with kids is an incredible gift and you should never give up what you love. You have family and friends who will comfort you and help you find yourself, if you just let them in. If you can in any way afford to see a therapist or a doctor, discuss Celexa and other alternatives for the depression. I feel you have deeper issues than this herpes. It's hard but I can tell you that today was much better than last Sunday. I hope you come to realize that this herpes thing can't beat you or me. We can pull through this crap and be better because of it. I can honestly tell you that it gets better day by day. Please stay with me and the rest of us and don't give up. I feel your pain and understand all the things you are going through. Read, read, and read about herpes. You will learn the facts and realize alot of your fears are just not necessary. Your life isn't over, your just waking up. I believe you will have alot of wonderful things to look forward to. Good Luck from Texas!

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Claudia Feb-20-00, 06:37 PM (CST)

3. "Laurie/Prissy"

What beautiful, heartfelt responses. You both sure amaze me.
Chicago, take care of yourself and be STRONG!

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cheyenne Feb-22-00, 00:31 AM (CST)

15. "RE: Question "

>
Chicago,
I was diagnosed with Herpes one year ago.
Like you, I was just devasted, cried and cried.
I had not been involved with anyone in 3 yrs.
So you can imagine my surprise. I thought the
first time that I had a spider bite on the back
of my thigh. When my dr. was examing my leg for an injury he noticed the red patch on my thigh.
I told him I thought it was a spider bite!! No
such luck. I have had 1 outbreak just recently
since then on my thigh. I felt achy all over and
had a 100.2 temperature and had pain all over my thigh and inner thigh. I cover the sore with a
bandage so as not to spread it. But, I am learning
to deal with this. It is not the end of the world, there are alot worse things that could
happen to us. I have learned to be thankful for
what I have and to take each day with a postive
outlook. I hope you will be able to do the same.
From reading all the messages I have realized
that there are alot of people out there with Herpes. The only thing that bothers me is where
I got them! I also will say that stress brought
about my recent outbreak and boy will I learn to
relax about things. I wish luck and NO more
Pity Parties!!!!

LAST EDITED ON Feb-20-00
>AT 04:10 PM (CST)
>
>You didn't say how you were
>diagnosed with herpes.
>
>But if it is, I'm not
>sure I understand the problem.
> Happily married (except for
>the depression?)?
>
>Oral sex is not out of
>the question.
>
>Sex is not out of the
>question.
>
>Running around with other women and
>not telling them you have
>herpes, that is out of
>the question. You're married.
> Not much needs to
>change unless one of you
>is positive and the other
>is negative, and then you
>might have to be a
>little more careful but it's
>certainly manageable.
>
>You aren't going to pass it
>to anybody casually. You
>don't have to worry about
>the kids, even if they
>were your kids and held
>by you constantly, it's not
>going to happen. It
>just doesn't work that way.
> Knowledge is key here,
>check out the awareness links
>above and to the left
>and learn everything you can.
>
>
>Her medical records aren't going to
>show if she had asymptomatic
>herpes before. Testing for
>herpes is not that easy
>and is not part of
>the standard workup.
>
>What kind of testing did you
>have? I'm just not
>clear on whether you were
>diagnosed with herpes or whether
>you are assuming you have
>it because you had a
>blister. Lots of things
>cause blisters.
>
>What are you doing to treat
>your depression? Or are
>you too depressed to do
>anything about it? (I'm
>not being flip here, I
>almost died when I went
>through a serious episode of
>depression because I didn't have
>the energy to eat, much
>less take my butt to
>a doctor.)

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Katkin Feb-20-00, 06:42 PM (CST)

4. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"

I have not yet seen anyone holding their hand up to say that they are happy to have herpes.
This forum has been so 'cathartic' for me and many others in letting go of their feelings on the topic of herpes. Depression is a fairly reasonable reaction IF you have herpes, as you have not made it clear if a firm diagnoses has been made. Whether you have type 1 or type 2 is an important factor in how you will approach your treatment of it.
POSITIVES :
You sound like an intelligent man.
You have a loving and supportive partner.
You lead a healthy lifestyle by being involved in sports (reconsider returning to your job when you are feeling better).
Herpes does not stop you having sex (including oral, if you take common sense precautions. It will depend upon what status your partner is.)
Herpes does not stop you from having children.
Herpes outbreaks can lessen with time and can be controlled with suppressive medication.
You WILL feel better overtime as your body builds up immunity.
Herpes does not stop you from fulfilling your dreams and living a normal life.
NEGATIVES :
Yes...it is a bloody awful virus and we all HATE having it.
End of negatives ......
Put this in perspective as a health problem you need to come to terms with.
Please feel free to come back here if you need more support....but it is VERY IMPORTANT to talk with your doctor and confirm what the entire situation is, including what report you get back on your wife's HSV status.
You have so much to live for. I am a single parent with four children, I study fulltime at university and do voluntary work . Having this virus does suck badly...but it hasn't stopped me living my life.It has made me think how precious it is.
Herpes is a very old virus and has been around annoying people for centuries...it CANNOT kill you. But you will need to stay healthy, eat well and get enough rest so that you don't get run down and have a flare up. That is the main issue for most people.
Be kind to yourself and allow time to adjust to the situation IF you have it or your partner has it. Good luck.

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Frank Feb-20-00, 08:43 PM (CST)

5. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"

Well depression is a very common response. You're not alone. I went through it for a little while. And I had several pitty parties (that's what my mom calls them too). Pretty soon it all just became too overwhelming. I had a life to live!
Life is a challenge. It wouldn't be any fun if it wasn't. Either you can accept that or you can give up. Those are really the only two options. Everybody goes through something. I think that if herpes is the worst thing that happens to me in my life I will be a very lucky man.
I don't know what to tell you to 'make you want to get up in the morning'. Unfortunately there's not a vaccine, but what if there was? Would that make everything suddenly better? Would your life magically be back on track? Maybe it would seem so in theory, but like you said, you were depressed before herpes so wouldn't there just be something else for you to fret about?
So, like I said in the beginning, try to think about how you're going to let this affect you. I've chosen to put my energy toward educating others about the disease and beginning a more responsible and healthy life from here on out. I eat better, exercise, and meditate, and this has put me into a much healthier state of mind than before I got the disease. In a strange way I'm thankful I got herpes. I see life with open eyes now.
Good luck.
p.s. Oral sex is definitely NOT out of the question!

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Orion Feb-20-00, 09:04 PM (CST)

6. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"

Well, everyone so far has said oral sex is not out of the question. How risky is an HSV- partner giving oral sex to a man with HSV2 when there are no symptoms present? Anyone ever find a flavored condom that doesn't taste like rubber?

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Cheerup Feb-20-00, 09:13 PM (CST)

7. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"

Chicago,
Very simple reason. In a few years, there will be a vaccine. Then, a few years after that--no one will feel bad anymore about having HSV2. You'll still be young! Feel better--you'll get through this.
Cheers--

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gayguy Feb-21-00, 00:50 AM (CST)

8. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"

I found out I had this thing a couple weeks ago. I kind of know how you feel because I too have been a depressed kind of guy for 20 years or so. I also am seen as a fun-loving, happy guy on the outside. You need to see a doc about the depression if you have not already. Drugs seem like a crutch but they work.
I rationally know that herpes is not the end of the world. Emotionally it is harder to deal with. I had a girlfriend (yes, girlfriend) for 8 years that caught herpes on a "break" in the relationship at about year 5. We stayed together, she took meds for it and we had a good sex life for the remaining 3 years. I never caught it from her. She went on to get married and has a fine life. Her sister has it as does her husband and the last time I saw them they had a fine son. This will not stop a normal life.
You seem to have an understanding spouse. That should make it better for you.
I believe your depression is a bigger and more serious problem. The herpes has just compounded things.That's how depression seems to attack; things happen that put little cracks in your "armor" and you finally give way to it. This is just another, albeit for you, a large crack.
Hang in there. I think about checking out sometimes too. It's part of depression. Get treatment. Even if you have, get more. You may need a different drug or more of it. Therapy is great too.
See ya.......

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lisx Feb-21-00, 05:10 AM (CST)

9. "Here is a reason....."

Life is very very slick. I know that coming to terms with the fact that you have this can be very difficult. However you must concede that it is a virus, not a monster, and it can only have as much influence on your life as you allow it to. You are the same person now that you were before you had it, and you still have all the wonderful things to look forward to that you were looking forward to before.
Two years ago, I would, of course, never have wished to have herpes. Now, I have to say, I wouldn't really wish to not have it. It would be a waste of a wish, when you think of the really good stuff you could wish for! Herpes can not define who you are, and it can not make you any less of a human being then you are. It can take a while to come to terms with, but if you let it it can make you a stronger and more compassionate person, and it can teach you things about yourself that you didn't know before. Remember that life is excellent if you want it to be, remember that the shitty feelings won't last, remember that you are young and still have so many wonderful lessons to learn and so much to give to the world, remember that this sucks for now, but it will pass........
Love lisx

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will Feb-23-00, 09:50 PM (CST)

19. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"

I know there will be a vaccine...
keep the faith....

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Rajah Feb-21-00, 08:42 AM (CST)

10. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"

Hi, Chicago and wecome to the very best herpes support on the Internet. I think that we all have had various degrees of depression concerning this annoying little virus. My depression over herpes came about two years after I was infected by my wife due to her unfaithfulness. It was when I finally divorced her and realized that I was back in the dating game after almost 30 years. So I had the herpes realization, the trauma of divorce, and some financial problems to deal with as well. I was a mess! What did it take to get out of the dumper?
1. The support and understanding of my family including my Mom and all five of my kids.
2. The fantastic HHP forum folks
3. An experienced professional counsellor.
4. A wonderful accountant and attorney.
Now two years after that, my whole life has changed so much for the better that I am, in a way, thankful that I got herpes as it has been a blessing to me in so many aspects of my life. I have made wonderful warm friends here and, indirectly through one of those friendships, met my significant other.
Chicago, it is a matter of perspectives. Resist the downward spiral of pulling inward and blocking out the world and the ones who can help you. All the messages on this thread are right. This is a minor thing that you can deal with.
Please don't fall prey to the thoughts that you are contageous to everyone. It is ridiculous to think that you will pass herpes to someone through your involvement in normal activities. The more activities you can involve yourself with the more herpes will shrink into the background noise of your other annoyances in your life. Don't let it take center stage.
We are here to help and we know what you are experiencing. Please take our word for it. It will get better.
Good luck and come here as often as you want.
Rajah

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Della Feb-21-00, 11:18 AM (CST)

11. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"

"Chicago"~
What a moving letter. It's depressing to see someone taking this so terribly hard. Let me start by giving you my brief history. I am an 18 year old woman (I think I deserve the title) and I was diagnosed with HSV2 on 02.15.00 (that's 6 days ago). It is difficult to deal with, but you MUST realize you're not alone. You MUST. I mean, I don't think I can stress it enough. Everyone else that knows they have this (STUPID FUCKING) virus has gone through the shit that you're feeling. I'm still fresh on it myself. And frankly it BLOWS. I have been blaming God, and am trying desperately to not blame Him, but it seems He's the only one to blame (besides myself). I didn't ask for this. No one did. I was monogomous with my 3 (yup, only 3) boyfriends, and I was careful...but apparently not careful enough. My point is, as SHITTY as life seems right now I am trying to tell myself (and I suggest you do the same) that things could be so much worse! Just educate yourself on herpes. You will come to terms that it is highly unlikely to spread the virus to anyone through physical contact as long as you wash your hands after you use the restroom/or touch an "infected" area. (And I suggest when you shower to dry everything else before you dry your genitals and toosh). I'm concerned about spreading it to my eyes too (that's my main worry re: spreading it to different body parts), but since I know that soap and water kills the virus instantly, I'll just be washing my hands a lot more now.
You and your wife will have to be there for each other. Don't let this ruin your relationship. If she gave it to you, she has it (or is a carrier/ I'm still uncertain about the difference). She's going to hurt over this too... You will learn that you can still have children. You will learn that you are so fortunate that you don't have AIDS, and that this is not fatal. It's a tremendous PAIN IN THE ASS, but it will not kill you. You can be fortunate that you didn't contract this when you were younger. You're not alone. Please let those words sink in...
I will leave you with a quote: "You are your worst enemy." Don't let this bring you down. It's not worth it. You deserve to have a happy life.
specter0000@aol.com

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Rajah Feb-21-00, 12:03 PM (CST)

12. "Della, welcome.."

You certainly sound like a mature and sensible woman to me. Thanks for your articulate post. We are very glad you found our site and it sounds very much like your participation here will be a two way street.
Good luck,
Rajah

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tinman Feb-21-00, 02:31 PM (CST)

13. "Its a wonderful life!!! "

Thats one reason!!
As corny as it sounds, watch the movie "Its a wonderful life" and believe it. At some(or many) point in your life you are going to have a tremendous impact on others. If you arent here, it wont happen, will remain undone, others will lose.
You are probably saying "yea, right, sure", but it has proven so in my life.
I would like to suggest that you do get some help for your depression if it has been a problem that long.
You say, "I have just about everything on this planet to live for". Then do it!! Live...i know a guy that lives under a tarp and cardboard box and cleans toilets in bars so he can pick up a little cash to buy his next bottle.
and you say, "The problem is that I'm now dealing with a depression that I can not shake", sometimes we cant do it all ourselves, please do get some help in fighting it.
peace, health, happiness,hope...
tony

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princess_meg15 Feb-21-00, 09:33 PM (CST)

14. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"

Dearest Chicago
you are tearing yourself up inside for no reason.
I was diagnosed when I was 17 years old and a junior in high school. I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS RUINED!!! However, I spoke with a therapist and got on suppressive therapy and am now being normal me again. most mornings i wake up and forget i even have the darn thing. i do agree that it is a huge inconvinience however, on suppressive therapy, i hardly ever get outbreaks. i also learned the more stress i was having, the more often i had an outbreak (SO WATCH YOUR STRESS LEVEL).
I highly suggest you see caring doctor and therapist who can help you through this and make it a manageable thing for you.
BEST WISHES
ps SEX GETS MORE EXCITING WHEN YOU LEARN ALL THE ENTICING WAYS THERE ARE OUT THERE TO PROTECT YOUR WIFE AND YOURSELF.

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Ocean Feb-22-00, 06:01 PM (CST)

16. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"

Chicago,
Learn all you can about herpes. Then please consider the following opinion.
Forget you have herpes (once you educate yourself.) Don't worry about it, stress about it...just forget it. Herpes is nothing. There is no way for you to know this now.
Work on your depression. Antideppressants and therapists exist for a reason. By the time you get the depression under control, you will understand how herpes is really nothing. Herpes is not you real problem. Depression is.
Some things that help me are exercise, low simple sugar diet, adequate rest, and actively destressing.
The only way to get rid of depression is to deal with it and do something about it. Deal with your problems, let medicine help. Don't let herpes take the credit for anything. Don't let herpes distract you from more important things.
...Ocean

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Ocean Feb-22-00, 06:01 PM (CST)

17. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"

Chicago,
Learn all you can about herpes. Then please consider the following opinion.
Forget you have herpes (once you educate yourself.) Don't worry about it, stress about it...just forget it. Herpes is nothing. There is no way for you to know this now.
Work on your depression. Antideppressants and therapists exist for a reason. By the time you get the depression under control, you will understand how herpes is really nothing. Herpes is not you real problem. Depression is.
Some things that help me are exercise, low simple sugar diet, adequate rest, and actively destressing.
The only way to get rid of depression is to deal with it and do something about it. Deal with your problems, let medicine help. Don't let herpes take the credit for anything. Don't let herpes distract you from more important things.
...Ocean

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atlanta Feb-23-00, 08:42 PM (CST)

18. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"

Dear Chicago,
I just read your message, and I think that perhaps the most important thing for you to do right now is to get some sort of professional help. You sound depressed and somewhat suicidal.
I know it's hard to think positively right now, but I want to remind you that having herpes is not a reflection of your worth as a person. Herpes is a disease, a very common disease, and many many people suffer from it. Luckily for you, you are in a committed relationship with a woman who will probably want to work through the issues of herpes with you. YOu say that you love oral sex, and that you're young, and in my opinion you can still have oral sex, with protection, and a satisfying sex life, with herpes.
Even though you have herpes, you can still be a contributing member of society, and there's no reason for you to withdraw from contact with children or other people - I think you would feel better if you learned more of the facts. Herpes is not spread through casual contact!
I have a lot of sympathy for how you feel. I am a 27 yr old woman and contracted herpes when I was 22, from unprotected sex with a man who didn't know he had it (and who has always denied he gave it to me!) He was the 3rd person I had ever slept with, and the first I slept with without a condom (he was older and had had a vasectomy) But I guess I have come to see herpes as something as a blessing in disguise - it forces me to be very honest with partners early in the game, and if they don't stick around then I feel that I am better off without them; the compromises involved in being with someone with herpes are just like other compromises made for anyone you're with. Remember, nobody's perfect and everyone carries baggage from the past! I hope that you and your wife can work this out and that you are feeling better soon - please get some professional help, you are worth it.

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Chicago	Feb-20-00, 03:39 PM (CST)
"Give me a reason to stay around"
HHP Group, I have no Idea how to start this, or to finish it. Please stay with me through what may just be many lines of rambling. I'm a 28 year old male who has been married for 3 years now. I am not going to pretend that I loved life before I found out that I had H. I've dealt with depression for all of my life. Not severly deep depression, but serious at times. If you knew me today you would never know that I didn't enjoy life. I always have a smile on my face, I'm constantly joking, and I have just about everything on this planet to live for. On the surface, things couldn't appear better. The problem is that I'm now dealing with a depression that I can not shake. I can not find a reason for me to be alive anymore. I don't know how to turn this one damn virus into a positive. You see, when I got married three years ago, I figured that I had made it out of the single life unscathed. I always used protection in my single days, I got checked for std's anyway every 6 months, and I can count on one hand how many people I've slept with my entire life. When my wife and I started dating, she was actually in a long distance relationship with someone at the time. We told each other that we'd enjoy the situation until her and her boyfriend finally got back together in the same location and that the relationship would stay on that level. We never expected to fall in love with one another. Anyway, one day her boyfriend calls and says he's coming home. We had to confront our feelings at this time and make a decision on our future together. She said that she would stay with me, but I could see in her eyes that she would always be thinking about "what if", if I didn't let her go to him. She saw him, made her decision, then and came back to me. A few months later we got married. About a year after that I started to get (what I now know as) symptoms. They were just general itching in my pubic area. Nothing on my penis or anything, not any blisters or enlarged lymph nodes. Nothing. As far as I was concerned, it was jock itch. I played lots of sports up until a month ago and playing football for 8 years, it was somthing that I had run into before. About a week ago I got, what I can only explain as a growth, that was 1 1/2 inch long and 1/2 inch wide. It was right in between where my thigh creases with my pubic area. I woke up that morning and it was hurting like hell. About a day later I realize that the center of the growth had a peak and looked like a blister in the middle. The skin eventually broke and I'm not even getting into the rest of it. Just knowing that this is going on in my body has made me sick to my stomach. At first I thought that It may be cancer seeing as I had been treated for throat cancer only 4 years ago. That thought went out of my mind the second that I saw the blister. I showed my wife and she said that she had no idea what It might have been. Then I started snooping on the internet for things that It might be. I never in my wildest dreams thought that it would be this. We think that she got it from her boyfriend when she went to see him that one last time. She's confident that she didn't have anything before we met and showed me her medical records to prove it. She's in the military so her medical history for the last 6 years is very easy to run down. We have a extreamly secure relationship and no cheating has been going on. I am finding it hard to see how I can come to bear with this for the rest of my life. I'm 28 and have at least that much time left on my life clock to deal with this. Yes I'm having what my mom likes to call a "Pitty party". I am not the type of person that deals with this type of thing easily. I feel like a walking disease. We are now waiting for my wife's test results to come in. Weather she's possitive or negitive doesn't really matter to me. The fact of the matter is, if she just comes in contact with the sore( Or sores if this just turns out to be the first of many ) it could spread to other parts of her body as well as mine. Hell, I'm afraid to touch myself while I take a piss now. What happens if I'm not carefull and pass it on to a friend or their kids or something just playing with them? What if I end up digging in my damn eye and getting it there too, or some other part of my face? That is not living to me. Like I said earlier, I played all types of physical sports. I'm even afraid to do that anymore. All the things that have happened to me in my life are flooding back in and all I can ask is why? Why now when things should just be getting good for me does something like this have to happen? My oral sex days are already over and I'm not even 30 yet. I LOVE ORAL SEX! At least I use to. A week ago I quit my job working for a local youth center. I felt that, that was the safest thing to do being around the kids all day. I think you can see what's happening here. I'm slowly but surly cutting off all ties to the world around me. I have written simular letters to other message boards seeking ways that others have come to grips with this. I am past the talking down phase and I'm looking deperately for that one bit of information that will make me want to wake up in the morning. I don't want to go this early, or this way, but I need more of a reason to stay like this than I need a reason to die like this. Thanks for listening. ~Chicago
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Laurie	Feb-20-00, 04:06 PM (CST)
1. "Question"
LAST EDITED ON Feb-20-00 AT 04:10 PM (CST) You didn't say how you were diagnosed with herpes. But if it is, I'm not sure I understand the problem. Happily married (except for the depression?)? Oral sex is not out of the question. Sex is not out of the question. Running around with other women and not telling them you have herpes, that is out of the question. You're married. Not much needs to change unless one of you is positive and the other is negative, and then you might have to be a little more careful but it's certainly manageable. You aren't going to pass it to anybody casually. You don't have to worry about the kids, even if they were your kids and held by you constantly, it's not going to happen. It just doesn't work that way. Knowledge is key here, check out the awareness links above and to the left and learn everything you can. Her medical records aren't going to show if she had asymptomatic herpes before. Testing for herpes is not that easy and is not part of the standard workup. What kind of testing did you have? I'm just not clear on whether you were diagnosed with herpes or whether you are assuming you have it because you had a blister. Lots of things cause blisters. What are you doing to treat your depression? Or are you too depressed to do anything about it? (I'm not being flip here, I almost died when I went through a serious episode of depression because I didn't have the energy to eat, much less take my butt to a doctor.)
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	prissy	Feb-20-00, 05:56 PM (CST)
	2. "RE: Question"
	I just want to tell you that there is so much to live for. I too, am depressed. I found out January 1, 2000. I was in love and thought he loved me; however, my entire world changed on that day. Needless to say, he isn't here to help me through this. He is with his wife (whom he said that he was in the process of divorcing.) I found out alot of truths that day including the herpes. I went to the doctor the following week and was properly diagnosed. I started seeing a therapist for all this and had an emotional breakdown to boot. I am you in a lot of ways. I am the strong, funny, looks like I got it all together type, yet on the inside I feel so alone and have "pitty parties" on a regular basis. My therapist and gyn have put me on Celexa (antidepressant)and I have responded well to it. My best friend has herpes kerotine (the eye thing) and she will soon have her first baby in 2 more months. I am single and a mom of a 9 year old. I am only 32 and feel like I don't have a single chance to find someone to share my life with, but I have people who love me and need me. You do too. It is fine to cry and feel all the things you feel, but you need to see all the wonderful things around you. Your work with kids is an incredible gift and you should never give up what you love. You have family and friends who will comfort you and help you find yourself, if you just let them in. If you can in any way afford to see a therapist or a doctor, discuss Celexa and other alternatives for the depression. I feel you have deeper issues than this herpes. It's hard but I can tell you that today was much better than last Sunday. I hope you come to realize that this herpes thing can't beat you or me. We can pull through this crap and be better because of it. I can honestly tell you that it gets better day by day. Please stay with me and the rest of us and don't give up. I feel your pain and understand all the things you are going through. Read, read, and read about herpes. You will learn the facts and realize alot of your fears are just not necessary. Your life isn't over, your just waking up. I believe you will have alot of wonderful things to look forward to. Good Luck from Texas!
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	Claudia	Feb-20-00, 06:37 PM (CST)
	3. "Laurie/Prissy"
	What beautiful, heartfelt responses. You both sure amaze me. Chicago, take care of yourself and be STRONG!
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	cheyenne	Feb-22-00, 00:31 AM (CST)
	15. "RE: Question "
	> Chicago, I was diagnosed with Herpes one year ago. Like you, I was just devasted, cried and cried. I had not been involved with anyone in 3 yrs. So you can imagine my surprise. I thought the first time that I had a spider bite on the back of my thigh. When my dr. was examing my leg for an injury he noticed the red patch on my thigh. I told him I thought it was a spider bite!! No such luck. I have had 1 outbreak just recently since then on my thigh. I felt achy all over and had a 100.2 temperature and had pain all over my thigh and inner thigh. I cover the sore with a bandage so as not to spread it. But, I am learning to deal with this. It is not the end of the world, there are alot worse things that could happen to us. I have learned to be thankful for what I have and to take each day with a postive outlook. I hope you will be able to do the same. From reading all the messages I have realized that there are alot of people out there with Herpes. The only thing that bothers me is where I got them! I also will say that stress brought about my recent outbreak and boy will I learn to relax about things. I wish luck and NO more Pity Parties!!!! LAST EDITED ON Feb-20-00 >AT 04:10 PM (CST) > >You didn't say how you were >diagnosed with herpes. > >But if it is, I'm not >sure I understand the problem. > Happily married (except for >the depression?)? > >Oral sex is not out of >the question. > >Sex is not out of the >question. > >Running around with other women and >not telling them you have >herpes, that is out of >the question. You're married. > Not much needs to >change unless one of you >is positive and the other >is negative, and then you >might have to be a >little more careful but it's >certainly manageable. > >You aren't going to pass it >to anybody casually. You >don't have to worry about >the kids, even if they >were your kids and held >by you constantly, it's not >going to happen. It >just doesn't work that way. > Knowledge is key here, >check out the awareness links >above and to the left >and learn everything you can. > > >Her medical records aren't going to >show if she had asymptomatic >herpes before. Testing for >herpes is not that easy >and is not part of >the standard workup. > >What kind of testing did you >have? I'm just not >clear on whether you were >diagnosed with herpes or whether >you are assuming you have >it because you had a >blister. Lots of things >cause blisters. > >What are you doing to treat >your depression? Or are >you too depressed to do >anything about it? (I'm >not being flip here, I >almost died when I went >through a serious episode of >depression because I didn't have >the energy to eat, much >less take my butt to >a doctor.)
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Katkin	Feb-20-00, 06:42 PM (CST)
4. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"
I have not yet seen anyone holding their hand up to say that they are happy to have herpes. This forum has been so 'cathartic' for me and many others in letting go of their feelings on the topic of herpes. Depression is a fairly reasonable reaction IF you have herpes, as you have not made it clear if a firm diagnoses has been made. Whether you have type 1 or type 2 is an important factor in how you will approach your treatment of it. POSITIVES : You sound like an intelligent man. You have a loving and supportive partner. You lead a healthy lifestyle by being involved in sports (reconsider returning to your job when you are feeling better). Herpes does not stop you having sex (including oral, if you take common sense precautions. It will depend upon what status your partner is.) Herpes does not stop you from having children. Herpes outbreaks can lessen with time and can be controlled with suppressive medication. You WILL feel better overtime as your body builds up immunity. Herpes does not stop you from fulfilling your dreams and living a normal life. NEGATIVES : Yes...it is a bloody awful virus and we all HATE having it. End of negatives ...... Put this in perspective as a health problem you need to come to terms with. Please feel free to come back here if you need more support....but it is VERY IMPORTANT to talk with your doctor and confirm what the entire situation is, including what report you get back on your wife's HSV status. You have so much to live for. I am a single parent with four children, I study fulltime at university and do voluntary work . Having this virus does suck badly...but it hasn't stopped me living my life.It has made me think how precious it is. Herpes is a very old virus and has been around annoying people for centuries...it CANNOT kill you. But you will need to stay healthy, eat well and get enough rest so that you don't get run down and have a flare up. That is the main issue for most people. Be kind to yourself and allow time to adjust to the situation IF you have it or your partner has it. Good luck.
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Frank	Feb-20-00, 08:43 PM (CST)
5. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"
Well depression is a very common response. You're not alone. I went through it for a little while. And I had several pitty parties (that's what my mom calls them too). Pretty soon it all just became too overwhelming. I had a life to live! Life is a challenge. It wouldn't be any fun if it wasn't. Either you can accept that or you can give up. Those are really the only two options. Everybody goes through something. I think that if herpes is the worst thing that happens to me in my life I will be a very lucky man. I don't know what to tell you to 'make you want to get up in the morning'. Unfortunately there's not a vaccine, but what if there was? Would that make everything suddenly better? Would your life magically be back on track? Maybe it would seem so in theory, but like you said, you were depressed before herpes so wouldn't there just be something else for you to fret about? So, like I said in the beginning, try to think about how you're going to let this affect you. I've chosen to put my energy toward educating others about the disease and beginning a more responsible and healthy life from here on out. I eat better, exercise, and meditate, and this has put me into a much healthier state of mind than before I got the disease. In a strange way I'm thankful I got herpes. I see life with open eyes now. Good luck. p.s. Oral sex is definitely NOT out of the question!
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	Orion	Feb-20-00, 09:04 PM (CST)
	6. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"
	Well, everyone so far has said oral sex is not out of the question. How risky is an HSV- partner giving oral sex to a man with HSV2 when there are no symptoms present? Anyone ever find a flavored condom that doesn't taste like rubber?
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Cheerup	Feb-20-00, 09:13 PM (CST)
7. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"
Chicago, Very simple reason. In a few years, there will be a vaccine. Then, a few years after that--no one will feel bad anymore about having HSV2. You'll still be young! Feel better--you'll get through this. Cheers--
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	gayguy	Feb-21-00, 00:50 AM (CST)
	8. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"
	I found out I had this thing a couple weeks ago. I kind of know how you feel because I too have been a depressed kind of guy for 20 years or so. I also am seen as a fun-loving, happy guy on the outside. You need to see a doc about the depression if you have not already. Drugs seem like a crutch but they work. I rationally know that herpes is not the end of the world. Emotionally it is harder to deal with. I had a girlfriend (yes, girlfriend) for 8 years that caught herpes on a "break" in the relationship at about year 5. We stayed together, she took meds for it and we had a good sex life for the remaining 3 years. I never caught it from her. She went on to get married and has a fine life. Her sister has it as does her husband and the last time I saw them they had a fine son. This will not stop a normal life. You seem to have an understanding spouse. That should make it better for you. I believe your depression is a bigger and more serious problem. The herpes has just compounded things.That's how depression seems to attack; things happen that put little cracks in your "armor" and you finally give way to it. This is just another, albeit for you, a large crack. Hang in there. I think about checking out sometimes too. It's part of depression. Get treatment. Even if you have, get more. You may need a different drug or more of it. Therapy is great too. See ya.......
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	lisx	Feb-21-00, 05:10 AM (CST)
	9. "Here is a reason....."
	Life is very very slick. I know that coming to terms with the fact that you have this can be very difficult. However you must concede that it is a virus, not a monster, and it can only have as much influence on your life as you allow it to. You are the same person now that you were before you had it, and you still have all the wonderful things to look forward to that you were looking forward to before. Two years ago, I would, of course, never have wished to have herpes. Now, I have to say, I wouldn't really wish to not have it. It would be a waste of a wish, when you think of the really good stuff you could wish for! Herpes can not define who you are, and it can not make you any less of a human being then you are. It can take a while to come to terms with, but if you let it it can make you a stronger and more compassionate person, and it can teach you things about yourself that you didn't know before. Remember that life is excellent if you want it to be, remember that the shitty feelings won't last, remember that you are young and still have so many wonderful lessons to learn and so much to give to the world, remember that this sucks for now, but it will pass........ Love lisx
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	will	Feb-23-00, 09:50 PM (CST)
	19. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"
	I know there will be a vaccine... keep the faith....
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Rajah	Feb-21-00, 08:42 AM (CST)
10. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"
Hi, Chicago and wecome to the very best herpes support on the Internet. I think that we all have had various degrees of depression concerning this annoying little virus. My depression over herpes came about two years after I was infected by my wife due to her unfaithfulness. It was when I finally divorced her and realized that I was back in the dating game after almost 30 years. So I had the herpes realization, the trauma of divorce, and some financial problems to deal with as well. I was a mess! What did it take to get out of the dumper? 1. The support and understanding of my family including my Mom and all five of my kids. 2. The fantastic HHP forum folks 3. An experienced professional counsellor. 4. A wonderful accountant and attorney. Now two years after that, my whole life has changed so much for the better that I am, in a way, thankful that I got herpes as it has been a blessing to me in so many aspects of my life. I have made wonderful warm friends here and, indirectly through one of those friendships, met my significant other. Chicago, it is a matter of perspectives. Resist the downward spiral of pulling inward and blocking out the world and the ones who can help you. All the messages on this thread are right. This is a minor thing that you can deal with. Please don't fall prey to the thoughts that you are contageous to everyone. It is ridiculous to think that you will pass herpes to someone through your involvement in normal activities. The more activities you can involve yourself with the more herpes will shrink into the background noise of your other annoyances in your life. Don't let it take center stage. We are here to help and we know what you are experiencing. Please take our word for it. It will get better. Good luck and come here as often as you want. Rajah
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Della	Feb-21-00, 11:18 AM (CST)
11. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"
"Chicago"~ What a moving letter. It's depressing to see someone taking this so terribly hard. Let me start by giving you my brief history. I am an 18 year old woman (I think I deserve the title) and I was diagnosed with HSV2 on 02.15.00 (that's 6 days ago). It is difficult to deal with, but you MUST realize you're not alone. You MUST. I mean, I don't think I can stress it enough. Everyone else that knows they have this (STUPID FUCKING) virus has gone through the shit that you're feeling. I'm still fresh on it myself. And frankly it BLOWS. I have been blaming God, and am trying desperately to not blame Him, but it seems He's the only one to blame (besides myself). I didn't ask for this. No one did. I was monogomous with my 3 (yup, only 3) boyfriends, and I was careful...but apparently not careful enough. My point is, as SHITTY as life seems right now I am trying to tell myself (and I suggest you do the same) that things could be so much worse! Just educate yourself on herpes. You will come to terms that it is highly unlikely to spread the virus to anyone through physical contact as long as you wash your hands after you use the restroom/or touch an "infected" area. (And I suggest when you shower to dry everything else before you dry your genitals and toosh). I'm concerned about spreading it to my eyes too (that's my main worry re: spreading it to different body parts), but since I know that soap and water kills the virus instantly, I'll just be washing my hands a lot more now. You and your wife will have to be there for each other. Don't let this ruin your relationship. If she gave it to you, she has it (or is a carrier/ I'm still uncertain about the difference). She's going to hurt over this too... You will learn that you can still have children. You will learn that you are so fortunate that you don't have AIDS, and that this is not fatal. It's a tremendous PAIN IN THE ASS, but it will not kill you. You can be fortunate that you didn't contract this when you were younger. You're not alone. Please let those words sink in... I will leave you with a quote: "You are your worst enemy." Don't let this bring you down. It's not worth it. You deserve to have a happy life. specter0000@aol.com
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	Rajah	Feb-21-00, 12:03 PM (CST)
	12. "Della, welcome.."
	You certainly sound like a mature and sensible woman to me. Thanks for your articulate post. We are very glad you found our site and it sounds very much like your participation here will be a two way street. Good luck, Rajah
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tinman	Feb-21-00, 02:31 PM (CST)
13. "Its a wonderful life!!! "
Thats one reason!! As corny as it sounds, watch the movie "Its a wonderful life" and believe it. At some(or many) point in your life you are going to have a tremendous impact on others. If you arent here, it wont happen, will remain undone, others will lose. You are probably saying "yea, right, sure", but it has proven so in my life. I would like to suggest that you do get some help for your depression if it has been a problem that long. You say, "I have just about everything on this planet to live for". Then do it!! Live...i know a guy that lives under a tarp and cardboard box and cleans toilets in bars so he can pick up a little cash to buy his next bottle. and you say, "The problem is that I'm now dealing with a depression that I can not shake", sometimes we cant do it all ourselves, please do get some help in fighting it. peace, health, happiness,hope... tony
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princess_meg15	Feb-21-00, 09:33 PM (CST)
14. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"
Dearest Chicago you are tearing yourself up inside for no reason. I was diagnosed when I was 17 years old and a junior in high school. I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS RUINED!!! However, I spoke with a therapist and got on suppressive therapy and am now being normal me again. most mornings i wake up and forget i even have the darn thing. i do agree that it is a huge inconvinience however, on suppressive therapy, i hardly ever get outbreaks. i also learned the more stress i was having, the more often i had an outbreak (SO WATCH YOUR STRESS LEVEL). I highly suggest you see caring doctor and therapist who can help you through this and make it a manageable thing for you. BEST WISHES ps SEX GETS MORE EXCITING WHEN YOU LEARN ALL THE ENTICING WAYS THERE ARE OUT THERE TO PROTECT YOUR WIFE AND YOURSELF.
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Ocean	Feb-22-00, 06:01 PM (CST)
16. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"
Chicago, Learn all you can about herpes. Then please consider the following opinion. Forget you have herpes (once you educate yourself.) Don't worry about it, stress about it...just forget it. Herpes is nothing. There is no way for you to know this now. Work on your depression. Antideppressants and therapists exist for a reason. By the time you get the depression under control, you will understand how herpes is really nothing. Herpes is not you real problem. Depression is. Some things that help me are exercise, low simple sugar diet, adequate rest, and actively destressing. The only way to get rid of depression is to deal with it and do something about it. Deal with your problems, let medicine help. Don't let herpes take the credit for anything. Don't let herpes distract you from more important things. ...Ocean
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Ocean	Feb-22-00, 06:01 PM (CST)
17. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"
Chicago, Learn all you can about herpes. Then please consider the following opinion. Forget you have herpes (once you educate yourself.) Don't worry about it, stress about it...just forget it. Herpes is nothing. There is no way for you to know this now. Work on your depression. Antideppressants and therapists exist for a reason. By the time you get the depression under control, you will understand how herpes is really nothing. Herpes is not you real problem. Depression is. Some things that help me are exercise, low simple sugar diet, adequate rest, and actively destressing. The only way to get rid of depression is to deal with it and do something about it. Deal with your problems, let medicine help. Don't let herpes take the credit for anything. Don't let herpes distract you from more important things. ...Ocean
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atlanta	Feb-23-00, 08:42 PM (CST)
18. "RE: Give me a reason to stay around"
Dear Chicago, I just read your message, and I think that perhaps the most important thing for you to do right now is to get some sort of professional help. You sound depressed and somewhat suicidal. I know it's hard to think positively right now, but I want to remind you that having herpes is not a reflection of your worth as a person. Herpes is a disease, a very common disease, and many many people suffer from it. Luckily for you, you are in a committed relationship with a woman who will probably want to work through the issues of herpes with you. YOu say that you love oral sex, and that you're young, and in my opinion you can still have oral sex, with protection, and a satisfying sex life, with herpes. Even though you have herpes, you can still be a contributing member of society, and there's no reason for you to withdraw from contact with children or other people - I think you would feel better if you learned more of the facts. Herpes is not spread through casual contact! I have a lot of sympathy for how you feel. I am a 27 yr old woman and contracted herpes when I was 22, from unprotected sex with a man who didn't know he had it (and who has always denied he gave it to me!) He was the 3rd person I had ever slept with, and the first I slept with without a condom (he was older and had had a vasectomy) But I guess I have come to see herpes as something as a blessing in disguise - it forces me to be very honest with partners early in the game, and if they don't stick around then I feel that I am better off without them; the compromises involved in being with someone with herpes are just like other compromises made for anyone you're with. Remember, nobody's perfect and everyone carries baggage from the past! I hope that you and your wife can work this out and that you are feeling better soon - please get some professional help, you are worth it.
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