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Hi all –
So
I haven’t posted here in a long time. I registered back in April,
needing support after a guy walked out on me. I shared my story with
you and I can only reiterate how much you eased my mind. What you do by
posting here regularly and answering questions daily from us scared and
confused “newbies” with a proverbial shoulder to cry on and a broad
base of knowledge is beautiful – thank goodness there are people like
you and places like this.
The
reason I am writing again today is that I just got home from my annual
gyno exam and it obviously brought back thoughts and feelings about
having herpes that I’ve been suppressing for about a year. I have
actually had this very post in my mind for about 8 months now, since
this one day last year when I started thinking in a new way about my
HSV status, but something kept me from actually writing it. I believe
and hope that my random thoughts will bring comfort to those of you
(us) that still struggle with the emotional affects of this unfairly
stigmatized disease.
I
suppose I should make a disclaimer that because I have only ghsv2, some
of my thoughts will be very specific to people who are in the same
situation as me. I don’t mean to brush off anybody who is in a
different situation, merely to provide some comforting perspective to
people in mine.
Basically,
last spring, in one of the various stages we all go through between
shame and acceptance, I got to thinking long and hard about what it
meant for me to be diagnosed with genital herpes. After telling my
first guy about it and feeling terrible when he walked out of my
apartment (and then seeing him every day…oops for dating someone at
work!), one day I just got sick of feeling so bad about it. I’m very
much a realist, and would never describe myself as an idealist, but at
some point, if you really care about the rest of your life and all the
wonderful things there are to live for, you just have to face and
really deal with the “bad.” Then you either accept that life isn’t
perfect and everyone deals with SOMETHING that seriously sucks, or you
look for the silver lining in a crappy situation (or a combination of
both).
There
is ABSOLUTELY a silver lining to having genital herpes. I would love to
see people add to the list below. Then maybe we can have a very LONG
list of things to turn to and think about when we get an outbreak or
someone rejects us or we start thinking we’ll never find someone to
love.
Here
are just a few things to consider:
1)
You’ve got it. You got herpes. I know this doesn’t sound like a typical
“positive,” but here’s the silver lining: You don’t ever have to worry
about getting it from someone else. You’re not ignorant anymore. You’re
educated about it. Now you know the importance of having that STD
discussion before you get involved with someone. Now you know that a
huge portion of the population has genital herpes, that almost ALL of
them don’t know it, and that you’re not one of the many people walking
around NOT knowing and possibly infecting others. Now you will be smart
and safe about your sexual choices and partners for the rest of your
life – and once you get past the undue shame that herpes can bring, you
will realize that this is a very empowering thing (and especially for
us young people – to take control of your sexual future and to be wiser
and more mature for it is VERY empowering).
2)
This is fresh in my mind because my doctor, who I respect highly, used
these words a few hours ago: Herpes is spread through skin-to-skin
contact. Condoms do not provide full protection against herpes. Even in
practicing “safe” sex with condoms, there is a chance of contracting
herpes. Again, at first this does not seem like a positive, but look at
the silver lining: Herpes is not your fault. It is a “sneaky” virus
that affects 25% of the population and no one is entirely safe from it
unless they are celibate. While the thought may seem “scary” upon first
glance, I look at it like, “Well, unless I had asked every guy I was
planning to sleep with to go get a type-specific blood test for herpes,
then waited a week or more for him to get good results back from the
lab BEFORE sleeping with him, I was always at risk.” My point here is
that it’s not realistic that we are always 100% careful when it comes
to sex. That, for me, diminishes a lot of the burden and guilt I feel
about the sexual situation that exposed me to herpes. There are
“promiscuous” people who never contract anything and there are people
who get a chronic STD the first time they have protected sex. You are
not a slut, you are not irresponsible, you simply got the sh*t end of
the herpes stick. End of story.
3)
Herpes is not life threatening. It is a recurring rash with no health
complications. It is not by a long shot the worst STD to contract. As
with many, many things in life, I personally find that putting bad
things into perspective is the most effective way to accept them: I do
not have a terminal illness. While my condition is chronic and
incurable, I do not have to (knock wood) give myself insulin shots
every day or take antiretrovirals or undergo chemotherapy or radiation.
I have a harmless virus. Everyone has their challenges in life, some
MUCH more serious than a contagious skin rash. PLEASE remember: It
could be SO MUCH worse, and my heart truly goes out to those for whom
it is.
4)
I know, believe me, I KNOW, that the thought that keeps us all up at
night is not the outbreaks (pills, creams, and sheer strength of mind
can get us through that), but rather it’s the thought of: a) telling
that certain someone, b) that that certain someone will reject us
because of it, and c) that we will pass it along to that certain
someone. Of course this is what makes herpes as “bad” as it is. So let
me show you the silver lining when it comes to sexual partners:
First,
telling someone is scary, but it gets easier every time. You learn what
guys will be receptive and which ones will walk out on you – and who
the hell would want to be with the type of guy that would walk out on
you without even researching it or asking you questions? Clearly, my
guy #1 was a bad choice – truth be told, my gut told me this early on,
but I was very attracted to him and horny and needed to eventually have
my first “telling” experience and there it was. I survived. Guy #2 was
a friend from high school that I have hooked up with a handful of times
in the past 5 years, but had never slept with. A few months ago, we
were hooking up and I knew that it was leading to sex and I was going
to have to tell him. It went MUCH better than with guy #1, but he still
decided not to have sex with me. We continued to hook up that night,
but I let him decide how far he wanted to go. It did not hurt my
feelings because he is a great person and I know now that we are not
meant to be in a relationship, especially if he is not OK with my
herpes. Guy #3 is a different story. I have been dating him for two
months now. We were very into each other from the start, and I told him
about the herpes on our third “date,” before having sex. Maybe the two
guys before him were practice and I’d learned the best way to approach
it. His reaction: “That’s not such a big deal. I thought you were gonna
tell me you had a boyfriend or something. So when do we get to do it?”
Best ever. I tell you this story to prove that there are wonderful,
mature people out there that will realize that you are more than a
virus and that will totally want to sleep with you no matter what! We
are still together, and he is nothing but kind and supportive. It is
much more my issue than his, which continues to surprise me and give me
strength. And if by some chance I infect him, I know that at least I
was honest from the beginning about the chances, that it was ultimately
his risk to take, and that really, so what? So I give him herpes.
People have given each other much worse. And maybe it will last and
maybe it won’t, but I was honest and we were responsible and we all
endure consequences for choices we make.
Getting
back to the original concerns in #3, of course there is always the risk
that someone will reject you because you have herpes. It is the sad and
honest truth because of how today’s society thinks about STDs. But you
have to look at the silver lining: You dodged a bullet there! Hey –
maybe that person has herpes and doesn’t even know it! Or maybe the
next person you meet will have herpes too, and it will be a non-issue;
the chances are 1 in 4! I KNOW that rejection is painful and that it
makes the shame issues resurface all over again, but seriously, the one
realization that gives me the most comfort is this:
Herpes
will ensure that anyone I get seriously involved with will love me for
me, will be able to look past this thing inside me and love ME. It will
ensure that the relationships I cultivate are mature, honest, real,
deep, and based on genuine mutual respect and love. Because I have to
be honest about this from the start, the relationships I get into will
be for real. And that is the only type of relationship I want to be in.
When I think of this, I see herpes as a gift – something that I got,
that I did not ask for, but that has given me knowledge, power, and the
ability to identify and connect to people romantically who share my
perspective, maturity, and unconditional love.
5)
You are alive. Enough said.
I
know this is a novel. Thank you for reading it. I hope that it will
help you find your perspective. Did I forget anything, guys?
Love,
Kim
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