4.5% is female to male. Male to female is 18.9%

Other studies have shown slightly lower transmission risks.

Thanks.

The unfortunate thing about Herpes is that you can pass it on to a partner when you do not have an outbreak. I think you should read all you can about this. There is lots of information available on web sites, etc. Suppressive therapy helps keep you from having outbreaks...and from what I've read here, can reduce the times that you are contagious when you don't have outbreaks.

Thanks for the compliment on the writing, I already do it as a career.

I'm glad you came here to rant. We are good listeners and have a lot of experience listening to rants.

Now, here is the deal. Most important - It will get better. By that I mean that most likely the physical symptoms will get better as time goes by and equally the emotional turmoil will get better, too. I want you to realize that you are the same wonderful person you were before the virus came along. That has not changed. Also you will discover that there will be men who will not be bothered by your status as having herpes. I felt much as you did a few years ago when I divorced my first wife who brought herpes home to me, but to my surprise, there were women that I met who were not deterred by my having herpes and still wanted to have a relationship with me. I married one of them So far as we know, she does not have herpes yet. We are reasonable careful, but not obsessive about it.

I suspect that there will be some others along to give you some comments, too, so keep checking back.

Please let us know how we can help you further.

Good luck,

Rajah

But who knows. Maybe on the other hand if someone I really liked and was still friends with who had broken up with me because he didn't want to have sex told me he wanted me to know it wasn't because he didn't want to, it wasn't about me, it was that he was afraid I would reject him if I he told me something he would need to tell...and he was sorry he didn't have enough faith in my understanding to at least take that risk and let me decide what I wanted for myself and he wanted me to know there was nothing wrong with me...but that he knows I am in a relationship now and doesn't want to interfere...he just wanted me to know...and he trusted me enough as a friend now to share this thing he was too scared to tell before, well I guess that would feel good.

I don't know what the right answer is for you... Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Thank you so much! I was somewhat down yesterday, and when you read words like Lisa's and how she was at my age, it's strikingly similar. I must say I have been more down about herpes the last 6 months, because of a not so successful dating thing with someone I was very much in love with. I wrote the enormous posting "rejected because of herpes or what?"
Since that situation I feel more confronted with this condition and did I get more fear for not ending up with the person I would really want. Before that, I was more confident about myself. I never let myself be defined by herpes. The last 6 months I have, and I realize how silly that is. Because it paralyzed me for a while, and it still sometimes does.
Yesterday was a very down day (like 3 days before my period) and when I read that...oh boy, hugged my pillow like hell and cried like if I was all left alone by everyone. Sometimes it's nice to be dramatic and throw it all out though.

Anyway, today I feel better and I know that there will be someone out there for me who cares about ME...and not so much about this viral skin-infection.

Hugs,

Beau

When you are feeling down, focus on things that make you feel good. Exercise, eating right, spending time with friends, laughing, hobbies- and the more these things bring you into contact with other people the better. When you are ready to date again, do so. Don't rush into sex on the first or second date. Give the person a chance to know you first. But also try to be brave, and tell when the timing seems right and you are comfortable with the person, before you get physical. And remember that three of four experiential acceptance stat. If not this one, chances are the next will work out...and more immediately- chances are THIS one will be accepting. The relationship might not work out for other reasons...there are a million reasons why relationships don't work out. But remember that while there are people who don't have herpes, there is only ONE you— and to the right guy and many others you will probably encounter on your way to finding him, the chance to be with you will be the most important factor of all.

It's okay to cry into your pillow sometimes, just make sure you aren't wasting the best years of your life hanging out there with your pillow and your tears, when you could be out there living and loving life...and falling in love.

and hey, Beau....((((HUG)))))

Thank you so much! These words mean a lot to me.
I know that it's silly to waste valuable years because of this skin-infection that I am hardly bothered by physically. But I just have my ups and downs...Recently a bit more downs than ups, although I know that'll change.
It's already changing...thanks to this forum. On purpose I didn't visit the forums anymore for a while (I was very active on those before), because I didn't want to be confronted with herpes. Now I realize that has been silly as well...Because already I feel much better. And when I read all the stories from all the wonderful people on here, I know how to put HSV into perspective again.

I have allowed myself to be so dramatic about it because of one not so successful relationship that was ended 2 days after I told "him" about my HSV-status. The reason for the break-up was probably something else (his ex of more than 4 years that he broke up with 2 months before: he's now back with her again) but I still was confused and scared that HSV was the biggest reason. Very stupid and born out of insecurity, but I also felt like I disappointed him. I was so much in love with him, and he seemed so fond and attracted to me also, that I felt like my condition spoiled his idea of me: I was not so attractive after all. I know it's probably nonsense, and if that would be true, he wouldn't even be worthy of me. But it does hurt when you think that he -a guy that you really really like- might think that of you.
Makes sense?

21 is a wonderful age though...And I am enjoying it, even more now. Dating will probably be somewhat hard at times because I am afraid to let guys come close to me, especially after the thing I have been through this summer. It does make you stronger though, and I appreciate other things in life very much.

Love,

Beau

The hardest thing for me to deal with when I was diagnosed was the feeling that this was a permanent cause for rejection that I could not control. It was difficult for me to conceive how anyone could be okay with this. But a lot of that was my own ignorance, immaturity, and insecurity talking. I also secretly believed at the time that I would never be wholly accepted by a man I wanted because I didn't have thin thighs! I understand now that there is a lot more to every person than any one quality, and that your positives count for a lot more than you negatives. People love you because of the qualities you do have, and part of love is accepting the other person's flaws, bad luck, and history of what's happened to them- all the good, the bad, and the indifferent. It's understanding that EVERYTHING that has happened to them has made them the person you love, it's everything in the chain of event in their life that have brought the two of you together at this moment in time.

If you love and accept yourself, including accepting the experiences and things that have happened to you, other people will also be drawn to love you. Herpes is no different than any other little difficulty we may have or have accumulated in life. That scar on your knee, a bad relationship that broke your heart, toenail fungus... And like other difficulties we get through in life, it can have its own gifts and rewards that can outweigh any of the negative...it can make you kinder, more compassionate, more understanding, better at communicating...it all depends on how you deal with it.

This may or may not seem like good news. I remember when I was rejected because of the herpes once (of course I told all wrong...after too brief a time, in the heat of the moment, crying, to a germaphobe....) and was devastated. People told me that how I told could affect the result. That I had to get right back up and try again. That all you have to do is get back up again and do it. That herpes wasn't stopping me, I was. But I felt hurt, and wounded, and too weak...I didn't feel strong enough. I was overwhelmed by my own hurt and catastrophizing and negative thinking and didn't know how to get out. I thought I was somehow different...maybe other people might find happiness, but that wouldn't happen to me. Now I realize how foolish I was to think I knew what would happen in life. No human knows. Obviously, eventually I gained the perspective I needed. It wasn't easy, but I think it would have been easier if I could have just really believed then it would be possible for me, if I could have glimpsed my future, glimpsed the way I feel about herpes now...that it really is not a major issue in my life.

It isn't what happens to you in life that determines your happiness, it's how you handle it. It isn't what happens to you in life that determines your happiness, it's what you do to create the life you want. This is as true of herpes as of everything else. This doesn't mean dealing with herpes will always be easy, but it DOES mean that YOU are in control of you life and your happiness...not the herpes.

Everyone experiences difficulties in life. If herpes is the most difficult thing that ever happens to you, you will have a particularly easy life. I have had other difficulties since herpes that felt worse. But I have survived those too. And with every painful experience, when you get through the worst of the emotion, you can come out the other side stronger, with more perspective, more depth, more emotional richness than you had before. And when you get through the emotional pain, you can often look back and see a silver lining. Often in ways you would never have expected. If you love and accept yourself, face your fears, do what you love, live with character honesty and dignity- even when it means doing what's difficult rather than what's easy, take action to get what you want, and have faith, there is nothing that will keep you from achieving happiness. Not herpes. Not anything.

Mary, if this is confirmed as herpes, you will still be okay. It might not be easy, but it will still be okay. If I can come to terms with this, anyone can. And coming to terms with it emotionally is the most important factor in how this will or won't affect your life.

Thanks for taking the time to write that. It is a huge help to the people who are new to this. What a nice holiday gift to give.

Season's Greetings.

Rajah

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Wishing you love (of yourself and of the right person when they come along) and happiness,

Lisa

I don’t want to put anyone at risk, but goddamn I love oral sex. I don’t want to be without it, but how can I ever feel safe again?

I am a man (obviously) and I am 30. I don’t think that I carried the virus, until I had unprotected sex with a woman this fall. It was a one night stand with a friend of mine and we are still friend though we decided not to date. I just sent her an email telling her about my diagnosis.

I feel lame.

fil

If your partner has oral HSV1 (more people than not have this, a blood test will tell- most people don't have any symptoms), the chances are close to nil that they will get oral HSV2 from you in the absence of an OB anyway. If they don't, HSV2 does not tend to recur often in the oral area anyway.

You might get more response to this if you posted it on the "Pregnancy and Herpes" forum, or maybe on "Support".

As for your questions, if he has genital herpes and you don't have herpes at all, he can go down on you with no risk. There is some risk involved in you going down on him, but exactly how much depends on what type of herpes he has and whether you have any of the herpes viruses yourself.

Most couples where one person has herpes get pregnant the normal way - they just avoid sex when there are any kind of symptoms. You two have to decide what's best for you. I WOULD recommend waiting until you are sure the relationship has "recovered" from the cheating incident - a baby is a lifelong commitment, not a quick fix for a relationship that's hurting.

Best of luck to you,
M'sMom

I'm really, really sorry your Prince Charming turned out to be a turd.

Please don't assume that you're "single due to herpes" - if he upped and left because of a stinky little virus, it wasn't a match made in heaven anyway. When you meet a man who truly loves you and wants to be with you, he won't blink an eye about herpes. In fact, a lot of guys who just like you and want to shag you won't either.

I know you feel awful right now, and I'm so sorry that you're sad, but there IS hope. Check out LaPetite, Angela, Angie Bug, Rajah.... there are any number of folks here who found love AFTER herpes.

Hugs and hang in there.

M'sMom

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down in the dumps. It sucks. Been there done that bought the T-shirt, I have herpes my life is over no one will want me sob sob sob...it really hurts. The pain is real. However, much of that is self-inflicted. I am not saying this to blame you, but to give you a sense of control over something you feel you can't control. Perspective makes a world of difference, but it is hard to find when you are in the thick of it, and recently rejected. I am hoping I can help you find it.

Think a minute. I'm sorry, but am I missing something here? It sounds like your ex may very well be the one who gave this to you, and he doesn't want to admit either that he has it, or deal with the guilt of giving it to you...whether he realized he had it or not...or maybe had symptoms he "conveniently" ignored as something else, which in retrospect... do you understand what I am getting at?

If that is not the case, and you had this prior to your BF, think again. If he can't deal with a skin condition that 1/3 of women between the ages of 25 and 35 have, what COULD he deal with? Building a life with someone has its ups and downs. A serious lifetime relationship WILL put two people through a lot of trauma together. Life is not always peaches and cream. What would happen if you got pregnant, and he decided, "He couldn't deal with it". What if you got married and had kids and he discovered that 3 am feedings were stressful and hard, and "He couldn't deal with it". What if you got breast cancer, and "He couldn't deal with it". What if you both fall on hard times financially, and "He couldn't deal with it". What if your kid grows to be a teenager, and starts acting out big time, and "He couldn't deal with it". What if the responsibilities of a house and kids just get to be too much for him, and "He couldn't deal with it". If he can't deal with something as minor as herpes, how could he ever deal with the difficulties of married life, of kids, of any difficulties than can and will inevitable come your way, as they do for everyone in this world?

There is a part of you that loves you unconditionally and wants, and only wants to accept, is only willing to accept, the best for you. This is not about outward things. It is about being treated well, loved well, creating a life where you respect yourself and are respected by those you love. It is the part of you that recognizes you for the special, loving, kind, beautiful miracle that you are, that deserves all the happiness this world has to offer. This is the mother within yourself, and you need to find her now.

I think if you ask her, she would tell you that this man did not deserve you. She would not just be saying it to make you feel better. She would really mean it. She would say it with anger at his shallowness and fire in her heart. And she would be thankful that you were saved from this man, before you got deeper into a relationship that was destined to cause you pain. This is the part of yourself you need to get in touch with now.

And somewhere inside you, there is the voice of faith. There is a trust that if you live your life as a good person, and do the right thing, and do your part to make the best life for yourself...that everything will work out for the best, that everything happens for a reason. And one day you will look back on this moment from the peak of happiness you will come to from the path that this event, and the rest of your life takes you, and realize that everything does happen for a reason, and were it not for crossing the valleys you could have never reached the top of the mountain.

The most important person you will ever fall in love with in this life is yourself. Because until you do that, you can never truly love another.

It is not important that you find someone else to love right now. It is important that you love yourself. That your treat yourself with kindness and respect. That you recognize your self worth, and value all the wonderful qualities you have to offer. That you realize you deserve to be loved, to be treated well, by someone you love, and respect, and admire. And that any man deserving of your love will feel feel grateful for it, whether you gain ten pounds, whether you have a bad day, whether you get creases by your eyes when you smile, and yes, whether you have herpes. Because none of that will matter, compared to the miracle of finding and loving you, and being loved in return.

Don't worry about someone loving you. Work on treating yourself with love. Think of that mother inside you who loves you, and recognizes how precious you are. If someone said the things to you that you are saying to yourself, that no one will love you, that you are untouchable...mother bear would be furious at them, would want to lash out at the one who was abusing her daughter so. So don't abuse yourself with those kind of negative thoughts. When you start to think them, ask yourself what the mother inside you would think if someone said such things to you. Imagine what she would say, what she would think of such hurtful and untrue statements. Put yourself in her shoes, and tell yourself what she would say. Talk back to the negative thoughts until you banish them from your mind. Then do something nice for yourself, something you can be proud of. Run a mile. Write a poem. Learn to cook a perfect Béarnaise. Or just take a bubble bath with candles and music. Do at least one nice thing for yourself every day, at least one thing that brings you joy, at least one thing that expands your world (taking a class, reading a book on archaeology, seeing a foreign movie) and at least one thing you can be proud of- whether it is swimming ten extra laps or applying for a better job or volunteering in a soup kitchen or slipping a quarter into someone's meter so they don't get a ticket, and at least one social act (seeing a friend, going to a party, writing an email, calling your mother). Practice love, to yourself, for yourself, and towards the world. When you do these things, your life becomes fuller, richer and more rewarding. You will radiate joy, and happiness. You will be interesting to others and interested in life. And when your life is so full and rewarding that you are getting by just fine without someone, you will find that people- friends and lovers- will be drawn to love you, to enter your world. And nothing, not herpes, not anything, will stand in your way.

As for your man, herpes is everywhere, between 1and 4 and 1 in 3 women have genital herpes, and you can get genital herpes from oral sex from more than half the population. You can reduce the chances he will contract it from you, because you know you have it and know what to watch for, and can take suppressives. Depending on your case, and the precautions you decide to take and how well you recognize your symptoms, it may be likely that after a 50 year marriage, he will not have contracted the virus. If he does, studies indicate early antiviral treatment may make the symptoms barely noticeable or non-recurring for most people. I took acyclovir early and have had 2 obs in...what is it now, 9 years? Yes a small minority of people have bad problems with it but new treatments are coming out everyday, a small percentage of planes crash too, and we still get on planes, don't we?

The point is, it is far from a certainty he would get it from you, he could esily get it from someone else, and the main point is, even if he does get it, what do you think he would regret more on his deathbed 50 years from now..

"Damn, I wish I hadn't married my wonderful wife and had a great loving family, because I got on occasional itch on my pecker."

or,

" I wish I hadn't let my true soul mate get away over something as insignificant as an occasional rash".

When you marry someone, you accept them for better or for worse. If a common skin virus is a dealbreaker for him, he obviously doesn't have the strength of character and dependability and steadfastness any wife deserves. Give him the time he needs to think things through. I suspect than when he thinks it through, he'll realize that love is much harder to find than herpes...and more important, in terms of happiness.

I don't come here much anymore. Probably because I haven't been thinking about herpes lately, it just isn't on my radar these days. Perhaps that. knowing a day will come when you don't think about herpes at all, is the greatest success story of all.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain

now you get out there and start living again, 'k?

Life is too beautiful to waste it having pity parties for yourself

They aren't a lot of fun and it's lonely

Shedding is linked to OB's. More Ob's/symptoms=more shedding, and the reverse is also true. What my doctor told me is that if I am not having Ob's, chances are I am not shedding either. When I first started having unprotected sex with the partner in my story above, I did have two OB's soon before we had sex. She did prescribe low-dose antivirals for me which I took suppressively, for a couple of years. They gave me more comfort with agreeing to my partner's wish to stop using condoms. I haven't taken the suppressives for several years, have not had an ob for about 5 years, and have not passed it on as far as I know, had a scare once but it turned out to be something else.

The exception to the lack of ob's/symptoms=no/minimal shedding equation is when someone actually is having mild OB's and symptoms but does not recognize them as herpes.