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Conferences Success Stories Topic #15
Reading Topic #15
Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Feb-10-02, 06:21 PM (CST)
 
"Happiness After Herpes"
 
   This is something I wrote awhile ago. I have been asked to repost it here. Hope it helps


I don't know about you, but when I was diagnosed with herpes, I thought my chances for ever being truly happy again were pretty much shot. I thought my sex life would never be the same again, if I ever even had sex again at all. I felt I would always feel dirty and contaminated. I was depressed by the thought of never having condom-free sex or barrier free oral sex again, and what about having kids? I worried that fear of transmission would ruin sex for me and my partner. I thought no one I really wanted would want me with this. I was afraid I would never again experience love, that I would never get married, never have kids- and if I did, I would be with someone I felt I had to settle for because no one else would take me, someone I didn't really love or want or desire. I was scared and depressed by the thought that the rest of my life would be lonely and unfulfilled, and that I would die alone. I thought my dreams were doomed. I felt if there was any chance at happiness, it would come from the OUTSIDE- a vaccine, a miracle drug, an apologetic call from the hospital saying it was all a big mistake...

What I never dreamed then was that I could and would have all the happiness that I thought herpes had stolen from me, and more- once I found strength on the INSIDE.

Looking back now, it saddens me to think of all the time I wasted being unhappy over this. Either not dating, or ending relationships before they got sexual because I was afraid to tell
and face rejection. And all the time not realizing that the thing that was keeping me alone was not herpes, but ME- and my own fear.

I have a lot of sympathy for the person I was then, I'd like to hug her and show her the wonderful future that was waiting there the whole time, waiting for her to just open the door and let someone in again. I know she would have felt much better if I could just show her her future, that it would be filled with love and sex and all the things she dreamed of, that herpes really would not be an issue for her or her partner, even though he didn't have herpes. That sex could and would be wonderful and uninhibited and condom-free, that she wouldn't feel dirty or contaminated. That this happiness did not require anything from the outside, not finding out that the diagnosis was a big mistake, not a vaccine, not some new miracle drug- but just two people falling in love, like it happens all the time, being honest with one another and loving each other even more for that honesty. I can't go back in time and tell her these things, but I can tell you. And maybe that wasted time will not be so wasted if my story can save someone else an hour, a day, a month, or years of wasted time due to a herpes diagnosis.

Finding happiness again, for me, didn't come all at once. It started with just really living in other areas of life. Doing the things I wanted to do. Taking care of myself. Working out. Pursuing my own unique interests. Keeping work exciting and enjoyable. Valuing myself and my life again for everything it was.

And after doing this for awhile, life was pretty good again. But I still hadn't met that person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I remember one night I was reflecting on my life, and finally decided I really wanted to find love, someone I could love forever. I am not a religious person, though I am a spiritual person. Depending on the philosophy you have, you could say I prayed, sent a wish to the universe, or formulated an intention. I asked for someone to love completely, who would love me for everything I am. I resolved to try. I realized though, that the workaholic, sheltered lifestyle I led made it almost impossible for that person to find me. So I wrote up a description of myself that really reflected who I was, and a description of who I ideally wanted. And then I sent that message out into the universe. Yes, I posted an Internet personals ad. To my surprise, my wish list was answered by many but most importantly, by the man I would come to love. He was everything I ever dreamed of-and more that I hadn't dared to hope for. The fear almost ruined it for me again, unfortunately. Fear of rejection, fear of telling. I put off sex until he had started to come to the conclusion that deep down, I really just didn't want him as a lover. And so finally, when it seemed I would lose him and therefore had nothing to lose- I told. I realized in that moment before I told how cowardly I had been, and how faithless.

Funny, how the revelation I thought would ruin my chances at love was the thing that saved it. When I told him, he was relieved and happy. Not because he had it too. He didn't. But because it was something we could deal with together, it wasn't that I didn't want him, it was just a small thing that had no chance of ruining something as great as we had found with each other.

From then on, things just fell into place. We talked a lot. I made him read though a lot of information. And waited a good ten days or so after the OB I had gotten, likely from the stress at the prospect of losing him, or of telling. And with great anticipation, after a lot of very sexy emails about what I though was and wasn't "safe" to do in bed, we consummated our relationship. It was, without a doubt, the single most incredible sexual experience I had ever had in my life. Oh what a difference real love makes.

At first I insisted on condoms and spermicide. However they were proving ineffective for us as birth control, and irritating to him. I thought I was protecting him with all of my precautions. One night when I was worrying, he turned to me and said he almost wished he would just get herpes now so I would stop worrying and we could enjoy ourselves.

I realized then that what I was doing in trying to protect him was more even hurtful in another way. We talked with my doctor, and decided to stop using the condoms, and I went on the Pill. While he was okay with the risk, I wanted to do anything I could to protect him that wouldn't interfere with our enjoyment of one another, so I went on suppressive therapy. Though I didn't get frequent OB's, studies show that this can reduce asymptomatic shedding by 95%. Given that the female to male risk of transmission is only 4.5% if you simply avoid sex during outbreaks and prodrome, I figured that gave us pretty great odds of not transmitting. So far, so good. Life is good. Love is great. Sex is wonderful, and he has shown no symptoms of contracting H. We have a great life together. And herpes is not an issue in our relationship, or our sex life.

Sometimes I wonder if it weren't for the herpes, if I would be as happy as I am today. If the growth, understanding, and acceptance I experienced have made it possible for me to be as happy as I am today. If the up-front communication and problem solving this helped us learn hasn't made this my best relationship ever. If the "proof" of my honesty and character demonstrated by my telling didn't open him up- to love and trust in a way he couldn't otherwise. Or if being accepted with the herpes hasn't freed me in some way I couldn't have before to love more truly, more deeply, and more completely than I could have before herpes.

It isn't possible to know what "might have been" if I had never contracted herpes. I do suspect that some, if not all, of the above positive contributions to my life now are true. I do know that today, if I were given the opportunity to go back in time to the moment I got this and take it back, I wouldn't do so. I wouldn't risk changing the course of events to the life I have now.

If you had told me five years ago that I would turn down the opportunity to go back in time and undo the moment I got herpes, I would never have believed it. I would in fact not have believed that I could be as happy as I am now. It's only now that I realize that negative belief is exactly what was keeping me from happiness in the first place. It wasn't herpes that was the problem. It was my own fear. The stats on this board run about 3 of 4 telling experiences going well, relationships that continue and are not broken up by the herpes issue. Relationships can and will break up for other reasons of course. Herpes is a small one compared to all the others. One thing that is true however- you can't win if you don't try. If you don't give yourself the chance to love, the best you can hope for is 0 of 0. I'll take 3 of 4 over that any day.

I don't know you and I don't know your whole story. I hope though, that if you see yourself doing the things I did, thinking the way I did, and making the mistakes I did, that you can learn from my mistakes. That you will be smarter than me, and stronger than me, and have more faith in yourself and the power of love than I did. That you will not waste the time I did making myself unhappy for no good reason.

Herpes is, in the end, an itty bitty little skin virus that biggest problem most of us have with it is the emotional aspect, which is almost entirely about our own fear.

There IS happiness after herpes. Like anything else worthwhile in life, it involves taking some risk. Most of the time, the only thing stopping you from getting what you really want is you.


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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
  RE: Happiness After Herpes MB (Guest) Feb-15-02 1
  RE: Happiness After Herpes sista (Guest) Feb-17-02 2
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Feb-20-02 3
         RE: Happiness After Herpes Bashful (Guest) Feb-22-02 4
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Ophelia (Guest) Apr-02-02 5
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Apr-03-02 6
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Ms. Facts (Guest) Apr-11-02 7
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Apr-12-02 8
         RE: Happiness After Herpes rx woman (Guest) Jun-24-02 17
             RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jul-10-02 26
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Ruth (Guest) Apr-14-02 9
     RE: Happiness After Herpes dcc (Guest) Apr-18-02 10
         RE: Happiness After Herpes R (Guest) Apr-23-02 11
             RE: Happiness After Herpes Beth (Guest) Apr-24-02 12
                 RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Oct-02-02 27
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Bee (Guest) Apr-25-02 13
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jul-10-02 25
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Been reading your story (Guest) May-01-02 14
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jul-10-02 24
  RE: Happiness After Herpes mdsungoddess (Guest) Jun-16-02 15
  RE: Happiness After Herpes stormy Jun-23-02 16
  RE: Happiness After Herpes neekyboo (Guest) Jun-27-02 18
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Rajahadmin Jun-28-02 19
         RE: Happiness After Herpes Dixie (Guest) Jul-03-02 21
  RE: Happiness After Herpes dixie (Guest) Jul-02-02 20
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jul-10-02 23
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Mare (Guest) Jul-10-02 22
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Beaugirly (Guest) Dec-05-02 28
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Ruby1 Dec-05-02 29
         RE: Happiness After Herpes Beaugirly (Guest) Dec-06-02 30
             It gets better if you let it Lisa2 (Guest) Dec-06-02 31
                 RE: It gets better if you let it Beaugirly (Guest) Dec-10-02 32
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Mary (Guest) Dec-13-02 33
     A few words of encouragement... Lisa2 (Guest) Dec-22-02 34
         Lisa2 proves, once again, that... Rajahadmin Dec-22-02 35
             Aw, shucks... Lisa2 (Guest) Dec-22-02 36
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Jude (Guest) Dec-24-02 37
     Hi Jude Lisa2 Jan-14-03 40
  RE: Happiness After Herpes pg (Guest) Jan-02-03 38
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Steph (Guest) Jan-03-03 39
     RE: Happiness After Herpes fil (Guest) Jan-15-03 41
         RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jan-15-03 42
  RE: Happiness After Herpes adam (Guest) Feb-10-03 43
     RE: Happiness After Herpes msmomadmin Feb-11-03 44
  RE: Happiness After Herpes lisa as well (Guest) Mar-19-03 45
     RE: Happiness After Herpes msmomadmin Mar-19-03 46
     You deserve better Lisa2 (Guest) Jun-13-03 50
  RE: Happiness After Herpes danny5 (Guest) May-09-03 47
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jun-13-03 51
  RE: Happiness After Herpes palmtree May-12-03 48
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Workout12 (Guest) May-20-03 49
  RE: Happiness After Herpes katied (Guest) Jul-23-03 52
  RE: Happiness After Herpes TWTCH (Guest) Jul-29-03 53
     Glad my story helped you Lisa2 Sep-12-03 56
         RE: Yoshi2me Sep-12-03 58
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Ann (Guest) Aug-04-03 54
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Sep-12-03 57
  RE: Happiness After Herpes joanna Aug-05-03 55
     Glad to have helped, Joanna Lisa2 Dec-05-03 59
         Lisa2!!! Rajahadmin Dec-05-03 60
             Hi Rajah! Lisa2 Feb-12-04 65
  RE: Happiness After Herpes blizzard Dec-13-03 61
  RE: Happiness After Herpes flowerchild Dec-13-03 62
     RE: Happiness After Herpes honey Jan-03-04 63
  RE: Happiness After Herpes thankful Jan-09-04 64
     Glad to hear it Lisa2 Feb-12-04 66
  RE: Happiness After Herpes lisa33 Mar-10-04 67
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Mar-15-04 68

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MB (Guest)
Guest
Feb-15-02, 12:56 PM (CST)
 
1. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you lisa. Your post did a lot for my hopes..
I have met someone I really like a lot and things are going perfectly for us. I have been not enjoying the whole thing cause of my fear that when i tell him the sh&t will hit the fan...(ya know what i mean)
The more i think about it, i realize he is an understanding guy and when our relationship gets to that point I will tell him.

I can only hope for the best.


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sista (Guest)
Guest
Feb-17-02, 04:52 AM (CST)
 
2. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I have just contracted herpes and I can't tell you what a difference reading your article made to me. I cried when I read how sad you were: I'm feeling a lot of the same stuff, but your letter has given me such hope. thank you for sharing so intimately - I'm that girl you just wanted to hug and reassure, and you have! I'm so grateful. I know there's a long way to go and most of my big trials are ahead of me, but knowing others have faced it makes me feel I can too.

thank you!


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Feb-20-02, 04:50 PM (CST)
 
3. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #2
 
   Your are welcome, Sista. Glad to have helped. *hug* It will be ok.


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Bashful (Guest)
Guest
Feb-22-02, 08:06 AM (CST)
 
4. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #3
 
   Let me just say what a great and positive story to share! I have had H for about 9 years and I wish that this forum existed then! For those of you who were just diagnosed.....you are absolutely going to benefit from this place. Hang in there...it will be a bumpy ride but its not the end of the world. Time heals and you will find that this thing can actually be turned into a huge positive. You have to look at it from a different view. You will learn so much about yourself and life and appreciate the things that really matter most!


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Ophelia (Guest)
Guest
Apr-02-02, 10:59 PM (CST)
 
5. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   No words could express...I am completely and totally taken back, not only because you are so amazing, and have such a profound story...but, so unbelievably parallel to mine, it gave me chills! I wish I could hug that silly sad girl of yours (even though she's long gone by now!) but right now I'm going to take the time to hug mine..(she's just comin' alive again, as of tonight!) My beautiful man grabbed me and told me "honey, you might as well told me you have the flu! Come over here and let me love you!!" You are such a bright and shining star!


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Lisa2
Charter Member
867 posts
Apr-03-02, 10:19 PM (CST)
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6. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #5
 
   Ophelia, a big hug to you! Thank you, and I am glad to hear you have a wonderful success story too. I hope you will post it here under it's own thread, to share your experiences with everyone here and inspire others with your great attitude. You are a star yourself what a great story, I love that quote!


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Ms. Facts (Guest)
Guest
Apr-11-02, 04:26 PM (CST)
 
7. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Could you please give the source of that statistic on female to male transmission risk of 4.x%? This is the first place I've come across that figure. It would sure help me with my current situation if I could confidently pass that figure on to a certain someone. Thanks.


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Apr-12-02, 01:14 PM (CST)
 
8. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #7
 
   http://www.racoon.com/herpes/main/aware.htm

4.5% is female to male. Male to female is 18.9%

Other studies have shown slightly lower transmission risks.


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rx woman (Guest)
Guest
Jun-24-02, 00:15 AM (CST)
 
17. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #8
 
   There are many links on the page you mentioned. Which one links to the study with the 4% transmission figure?

Thanks.


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Jul-10-02, 06:25 PM (CST)
 
26. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #17
 
   www.viridae.com/herpes


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Ruth (Guest)
Guest
Apr-14-02, 09:08 PM (CST)
 
9. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thanks so much for this story. I have had oral and genital HSV-1 for over 20 years. All was fine when I was married to the partner who gave it to me. Then I was divorced began dating and have had some problems.

My first lover after the divorce got HSV-1 genitally from me. He did not break off the relationship, but I felt a great deal of guilt about having given this to him. Eventually, we broke up for other reasons.

In my second relationship, I disclosed all to my partner in the beginning. After a time, he did not want to use condoms, which I thought meant that he was not worried about transmission. After about 5 months, he had a genital sore, but it went away before he could get to the doctor. I had not had any outbreaks at all. At this point, he became anxious about contracting the virus from me, and broke off the relationship. He plans to get a blood test, but the results, if positive, will be inconclusive as to whether he already had HSV-1 or if I gave it to him.

I have been feeling very discouraged about having future relationships due to this problem. However, reading your story has given me hope. I have been taking Lysine for over a year and it seems to have helped. Now I am thinking about going on suppressive therapy. Anyway, thank you very much for taking the time to tell your story.


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dcc (Guest)
Guest
Apr-18-02, 03:28 AM (CST)
 
10. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #9
 
   Hi , still trying to diagnose myself..
but questions keep coming in... how does one have oral sex when positive? i mean obviously u use condoms for intercourse but what about oral?
also if you don't have an outbreak does mean u can have safe sex with your partner with no condom?
a tell me a little about suppressive therapy.. thanks!!


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R (Guest)
Guest
Apr-23-02, 11:23 PM (CST)
 
11. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #10
 
   Hi,

The unfortunate thing about Herpes is that you can pass it on to a partner when you do not have an outbreak. I think you should read all you can about this. There is lots of information available on web sites, etc. Suppressive therapy helps keep you from having outbreaks...and from what I've read here, can reduce the times that you are contagious when you don't have outbreaks.


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Beth (Guest)
Guest
Apr-24-02, 12:32 PM (CST)
 
12. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #11
 
   Suppressive therapy reduces shedding but it has not been proven to reduce transmission. That is still under study right now.


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Oct-02-02, 01:25 AM (CST)
 
27. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #12
 
   A Valtrex Study now demonstrates it reduces transmission by 50%, symptomatic transmission by 77%.


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Bee (Guest)
Guest
Apr-25-02, 02:53 AM (CST)
 
13. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I just got diagnosed with both HSV I and II two weeks ago and was practically hysterical. I didn't even have the symptoms, yet. Maybe it was all the stress of a recent long term breakup and/or finding out i had herpes, but last week I started feeling like i had some of the symptoms. I thought my body was playing tricks on me. I just started feeling kind of tingly and itchy and immediately went on Valtrex. I never got a sore just the symptoms. Although my blood test came back with both antibody types positive, I still can't believe it. All I could think about is this and how I'm going to live my life from now on. I was devastated to find out and go through this alone. I am very sad and ever since last week have been poring through all the websites I can find to learn Anything and Everything about this. I do not ever want to infect anyone in the future.

After going through this site, I realized that I can still have a normal life. I thought "this is my reality" and I cannot let it take over my life. Especially after reading your post. I cried when i read it and am grateful for you sharing it. I thank you for giving me the courage to go on with my life, and not waste valuable time being emotionally depressed about this, (as I have been up until now). You have changed me with your story and I will be grateful to you forever, for having shared it.


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Jul-10-02, 06:24 PM (CST)
 
25. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #13
 
   *hugs* thanks knowing I may have spared you some of the unnecessary waste of time and bad decisions I made based on negative thinking through my story is just what I've hoped to do to make some of my wasted time somehow worthwhile


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Been reading your story (Guest)
Guest
May-01-02, 05:08 PM (CST)
 
14. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Did I get it right, you found "Jesus" and then went out and had intercourse within a month or so...

Man, I've never seen Him worshipped in that manner.

I am very glad you have found happiness, you certainly deserve it, just that line threw me. Sort of like joining a nunnery and having a side job in a strip club....lol...

Well, you sound like a sweet girl, and I wish you the best of luck! You write well by the way, ought to try that as a career.

G.


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Jul-10-02, 06:20 PM (CST)
 
24. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #14
 
   Um, no...and I am confused as to how you could get that from what I wrote. I formulated an intention, send out a wish to the universe, a prayer you could say...and took action. I actually waited six months or so before I had sex with him...I almost lost him from waiting so long. This relationship broke up years later for completely unrelated reasons, but the love lesson it taught me remains...

Thanks for the compliment on the writing, I already do it as a career.


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mdsungoddess (Guest)
Guest
Jun-16-02, 10:04 AM (CST)
 
15. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you!!!!!


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stormy
Charter Member
66 posts
Jun-23-02, 08:57 PM (CST)
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16. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   WOW!!!! THANKS!!!!


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neekyboo (Guest)
Guest
Jun-27-02, 01:11 AM (CST)
 
18. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   hi. i was just diagnosed w/ genital herpes after spending a week in the hospital suffering from symptoms. the doctors actually thought it was meningitis, until i told them i had a 'yeast infection' and they investigated. your story helped me feel a little better, but i can't help being sad and depressed about this. i got it from my ex-boyfriend, who is the only person I've ever had sex with. he got it from this girl he'd been dating, and i think she had been lying to him about it. she swore up and down he was her first. see, my ex and i were high school sweethearts for about 8 years. we never worried about stds because we were both each other's first, and there was a bond of trust between us most people couldn't believe actually existed. We broke up last year, but remained friends. soon after, he began dating some lonely, needy woman from his job. it always hurt me deeply that he could just go out and have sex with someone else so soon after our breakup, and we didn't talk to each other for about 4 months. then, we began talking again and became intimate. he assured me he always used a condom with old girl (who was supposed to be a virgin, remember) so I wasn't worried. we used a condom sometimes, not always. at the same time, I was dating other guys, but hadn't worked up the nerve or trust to sleep with any one of them. I wouldn't even kiss them for a long time. I had just met two really nice men that I wouldn't mind going out with before I got sick. One I have gone out for ice cream with once and talked to on the phone a lot. the other guy I met the day before I went to the hospital. One of them came to see me in the hospital, while my ex didn't even show up. he called, talking about how he 'loves me so much' (but yet he's still screwing this other girl). I don't even want to call the other guys back now because I am so devastated by this disease. I mean, I was trying to be careful by not sleeping with just anyone, but I guess I wasn't careful enough with my ex. i am so angry with him now, even though he didn't even know he had herpes until I got tested in the hospital. i can't help being so angry with him, and myself for not using a condom all the time. I feel ugly and nasty. My first outbreak so far has been a nightmare. I had a temperature of 102.7, a killer headache, swollen jaws, pain in my butt and legs, blisters up the wazoo. Every symptom you can think of, i have now or had it in the hospital. I'm okay if I can keep busy, but sometimes I can't help but to cry and sob. I feel like God is punishing me or that he hates me (I tell myself that's not true, He loves me, but why then is he letting this happen to me when some of my friends who will screw anything remain disease-free?) I have friends who each have slept with at least 50-100 people. I sleep with one guy and get whacked. why? I don't deserve this. I don't mean to rant and rave to you all, but I am so depressed right now. I feel like my social life is virtually dead.


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Rajahadmin
Charter Member
6559 posts
Jun-28-02, 05:40 PM (CST)
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19. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #18
 
Hi, Neekyboo. Wow, that was a doozie of a primary OB. I'm sorry you had to be so uncomfortable. First of all this is a virus that a LOT of people have and it is not some punishment from anyone, let alone God, so get that idea put in proper perspective. Second, don't be so sure that your promiscuous friends are disease-free, the odds of that are miniscule. They may not yet know that they have herpes or other diseases, but the chances are greatly in favor of them being infected give the statistics that you describe.

I'm glad you came here to rant. We are good listeners and have a lot of experience listening to rants.

Now, here is the deal. Most important - It will get better. By that I mean that most likely the physical symptoms will get better as time goes by and equally the emotional turmoil will get better, too. I want you to realize that you are the same wonderful person you were before the virus came along. That has not changed. Also you will discover that there will be men who will not be bothered by your status as having herpes. I felt much as you did a few years ago when I divorced my first wife who brought herpes home to me, but to my surprise, there were women that I met who were not deterred by my having herpes and still wanted to have a relationship with me. I married one of them So far as we know, she does not have herpes yet. We are reasonable careful, but not obsessive about it.

I suspect that there will be some others along to give you some comments, too, so keep checking back.

Please let us know how we can help you further.

Good luck,

Rajah

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain


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Dixie (Guest)
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Jul-03-02, 07:26 PM (CST)
 
21. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #19
 
   Neekyboo..I know you are feeling horrible right now. Believe me, most people on this site have been there too. The guy I got it from was someone I dated on and off - but never had sex with. Well, we went away to a friends wedding in a tropical place and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex briefly. And I "briefly" got herpes from that ONE incident. He also claimed to not have known he had it. I think he knew, but there was nothing I could do. He said he would go to the doctor and check it out - he never called back to tell me if he did or not. Well, I saw him months later (I started dated a WONDERFUL guy - so my confidence was high) and told him off. I mean have the decency to call and say "I went to the doctor and you're right - I have it." I too, felt like my life was ruined by him. But the longer you have it, the more you realize its like getting a blemish every once in awhile. I can't say I'm at the place where some of the others on this site are at. I still get depressed, but I can't blame having this disease on why I'm not going out with people. That's why the WONDERFUl guy I met - I broke up with cause I was scared to tell him I had this and so I wouldn't have sex and I broke it off. He's now seeing someone serious and I wonder if that would've been me if I could've been completely honest with him. He thought maybe I was a virgin b/c we didn't have sex - he may have thought I didn't want him. The next time I'm with someone I truly care about I'm telling them earlier b/c life is TOO SHORT and it seems if the person is truly the one - they will accept this. They may hesitate - I'm not gonna kid myself, but I think they are more forgiving than we are to our own selves. Please keep your head up - it does get better. I've had it since last July - almost a year and it does get better. And I'm gonna have to deal with something soon - the guy that gave it to me is going on a trip with our group to the same location where I originally got it from him. It is gonna take strength for me not to go off on him while he is among the people that will be with me on this trip.


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dixie (Guest)
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Jul-02-02, 08:46 PM (CST)
 
20. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Lisa: this is the best story I have read on any site. I lost it when I read your story. More people need to hear this. I have had the "challenge" for almost a year now. and I, like most people, was completely devastated by it when I found out I had it. Then Sept. 11 happened and I realized my life could be OVER and I am not even going to take a chance on meeting someone. So, I went out with a guy I had wanted to date but was afraid to. He was a wonderful guy who wasn't ready to get serious at first..so I didn't have sex w/him cause I was afraid to tell him if he wasn't "the one". Then we got closer and closer, but I was sooo afraid to tell him that I felt like I pushed him away b/c I was afraid what he would think if he knew I had it. He wanted to know why I wouldn't have sex and I told him (which was partially true) that I wanted to be in a serious relationship first..but it was like the chicken and the egg..we dated for 4 months and I think he wanted to get serious - hence "sex" and I was afraid to tell him. So I broke it off..We are still great friends and its funny now but he is dating someone serious (I broke it off about 5 months ago) and I feel like I really want to tell him. Just because I think now after analyzing the whole situation I think he WOULDN't have cared and I want him to know its not b/c I didn't want him..it was my fear of telling him. Is that crazy? He is one of the best people I have ever met and I feel lucky to have dated him. I wish I never broke it off with him. I'm leaving it up to the man upstairs. I've only told my two best friends ...but I really have been thinking about telling him. Whaddya think?


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Jul-10-02, 06:14 PM (CST)
 
23. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #20
 
   Dixie, I'm glad my story helped you. As for this guy...well I wish you had read this 6 months ago. Chances are if you told him he would have accepted the herpes. As for now though...you say he is in a serious relationship, and you are now friends, but you wish you had never broken up. I can't tell you what to do and only you can make that decision but personally I would not want to be the one to break up a relationship. And frankly if someone I really liked broke up with me and waited to tell me they wished they hadn't until I was finally in a new relationship that was going really well...well I would not be too happy with them. I would have wished that they had figured that out and told me before but not to interfere in my life once I'd moved on...do you get what I am saying? If they broke up with their new flame however, and were available...and I wished I never broke up with them and wanted to get back together...well then would be a good time to tell I think, and perhaps you two would have a chance to start over then. Or perhaps there's already too much hurt on his part that's water under the bridge and it's too late. In the meantime perhaps the best thing to do is to keep that faith in love and move on yourself and apply it to your next relationship- and not let your fear break you apart next time.

But who knows. Maybe on the other hand if someone I really liked and was still friends with who had broken up with me because he didn't want to have sex told me he wanted me to know it wasn't because he didn't want to, it wasn't about me, it was that he was afraid I would reject him if I he told me something he would need to tell...and he was sorry he didn't have enough faith in my understanding to at least take that risk and let me decide what I wanted for myself and he wanted me to know there was nothing wrong with me...but that he knows I am in a relationship now and doesn't want to interfere...he just wanted me to know...and he trusted me enough as a friend now to share this thing he was too scared to tell before, well I guess that would feel good.

I don't know what the right answer is for you... Good luck, whatever you decide to do.


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Mare (Guest)
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Jul-10-02, 11:15 AM (CST)
 
22. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   WOW!!
I was so inspired by you.
I was diagnosed with HSV a year ago. I was infected by my partner which had no idea that he had it. He has been in denial thru this whole thing. Which has made it worst for me cause he was my first. I am still going thru a depression and all the feelings that you describe of how you felt. I feel really dirty and ashamed. I am still with my partner, cause we care about each other. Sex is a problem with me...I can't enjoy it and just the thought of what I went thru just makes me loose any desire. My doctor never referred me to any counseling which I know I could have used it and still do. Six months ago I didn't want to live anymore. I can say that I have over come feeling that way. But I know I am still depressed and very unhappy. I do try to keep myself very active to not think about it. That is how I deal with it. I just wanted to let you know your story has been the only thing that I have read that has a positive outlook.
Thanks for sharing it...
Peace


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Beaugirly (Guest)
Guest
Dec-05-02, 10:04 AM (CST)
 
28. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Tears are running down my cheeks now...Because I am the girl that you were then. I am 21 years old, infected at 18 by the very first partner I had, and although looking assured and happy on the outside, feeling not totally happy from the inside. Because I have the fears that you had...Fearing the most that the person that I really want, wouldn't want to have me because of this. I feel contaminated and "shattered" because my dreams about love are shattered by having this.

Your story gives me hope though..Deep down inside I know that I will meet Mr. Right one day.

Thank you.

Love,

Beau


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Ruby1
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Dec-05-02, 07:40 PM (CST)
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29. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #28
 
   Ooohhh. I have to reply to this one too because I know how you feel, and I promise it gets better. I had so many problems with guys in my early 20's (late 20's now) and I still do sometimes, but not at all because of herpes. I met someone who was really attracted to me but not really stable, and he was conflicted about it and eventually got over it. Then I met someone who knows me and really cares about me, and when I told him, it didn't matter AT ALL. Not at all. So far so good. There are good guys and bad guys at every age, but you'll be able to tell them apart more quickly over time. Hang in there!! R


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Beaugirly (Guest)
Guest
Dec-06-02, 03:33 AM (CST)
 
30. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #29
 
   Hi Ruby,

Thank you so much! I was somewhat down yesterday, and when you read words like Lisa's and how she was at my age, it's strikingly similar. I must say I have been more down about herpes the last 6 months, because of a not so successful dating thing with someone I was very much in love with. I wrote the enormous posting "rejected because of herpes or what?"
Since that situation I feel more confronted with this condition and did I get more fear for not ending up with the person I would really want. Before that, I was more confident about myself. I never let myself be defined by herpes. The last 6 months I have, and I realize how silly that is. Because it paralyzed me for a while, and it still sometimes does.
Yesterday was a very down day (like 3 days before my period) and when I read that...oh boy, hugged my pillow like hell and cried like if I was all left alone by everyone. Sometimes it's nice to be dramatic and throw it all out though.

Anyway, today I feel better and I know that there will be someone out there for me who cares about ME...and not so much about this viral skin-infection.

Hugs,

Beau


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Dec-06-02, 09:21 PM (CST)
 
31. "It gets better if you let it"
In response to message #30
 
   I can't promise you won't get hurt. I couldn't do that no matter what your herpes status, we all get hurt in relationships from time to time. The most important thing is to remain open to possibility, not to let the hurts in life build walls around your heart.

When you are feeling down, focus on things that make you feel good. Exercise, eating right, spending time with friends, laughing, hobbies- and the more these things bring you into contact with other people the better. When you are ready to date again, do so. Don't rush into sex on the first or second date. Give the person a chance to know you first. But also try to be brave, and tell when the timing seems right and you are comfortable with the person, before you get physical. And remember that three of four experiential acceptance stat. If not this one, chances are the next will work out...and more immediately- chances are THIS one will be accepting. The relationship might not work out for other reasons...there are a million reasons why relationships don't work out. But remember that while there are people who don't have herpes, there is only ONE you— and to the right guy and many others you will probably encounter on your way to finding him, the chance to be with you will be the most important factor of all.

It's okay to cry into your pillow sometimes, just make sure you aren't wasting the best years of your life hanging out there with your pillow and your tears, when you could be out there living and loving life...and falling in love.

and hey, Beau....((((HUG)))))


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Beaugirly (Guest)
Guest
Dec-10-02, 04:11 AM (CST)
 
32. "RE: It gets better if you let it"
In response to message #31
 
   Hi Lisa,

Thank you so much! These words mean a lot to me.
I know that it's silly to waste valuable years because of this skin-infection that I am hardly bothered by physically. But I just have my ups and downs...Recently a bit more downs than ups, although I know that'll change.
It's already changing...thanks to this forum. On purpose I didn't visit the forums anymore for a while (I was very active on those before), because I didn't want to be confronted with herpes. Now I realize that has been silly as well...Because already I feel much better. And when I read all the stories from all the wonderful people on here, I know how to put HSV into perspective again.

I have allowed myself to be so dramatic about it because of one not so successful relationship that was ended 2 days after I told "him" about my HSV-status. The reason for the break-up was probably something else (his ex of more than 4 years that he broke up with 2 months before: he's now back with her again) but I still was confused and scared that HSV was the biggest reason. Very stupid and born out of insecurity, but I also felt like I disappointed him. I was so much in love with him, and he seemed so fond and attracted to me also, that I felt like my condition spoiled his idea of me: I was not so attractive after all. I know it's probably nonsense, and if that would be true, he wouldn't even be worthy of me. But it does hurt when you think that he -a guy that you really really like- might think that of you.
Makes sense?

21 is a wonderful age though...And I am enjoying it, even more now. Dating will probably be somewhat hard at times because I am afraid to let guys come close to me, especially after the thing I have been through this summer. It does make you stronger though, and I appreciate other things in life very much.

Love,

Beau


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Mary (Guest)
Guest
Dec-13-02, 06:54 PM (CST)
 
33. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you so much for your words...I just found out today that I probably have herpes (it was too late to test for it definitively because the lesions had healed), and I'm terrified. I've been nauseous all day and I am going through exactly what you described. I'm 23 and I got it from a guy I had a fling with (I feel so stupid about it)...I'm still sick just thinking about how I'm going to ever tell any potential partners (or friends/family, for that matter), but your posting, and others like it, are very encouraging...thank you again.


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Dec-22-02, 07:30 PM (CST)
 
34. "A few words of encouragement..."
In response to message #33
 
   I understand how you are feeling, and I hope you are feeling a little better now. I got herpes in my 20's as well, and when I got this, I didn't have the perspective that I have now. I am glad that my post may have helped you feel a little better...remember that mine is not an unusual case. About 1 in 3 women in their thirties has HSV2, and that's not even counting any of the 40% of new cases of genital herpes that are caused by HSV1.

The hardest thing for me to deal with when I was diagnosed was the feeling that this was a permanent cause for rejection that I could not control. It was difficult for me to conceive how anyone could be okay with this. But a lot of that was my own ignorance, immaturity, and insecurity talking. I also secretly believed at the time that I would never be wholly accepted by a man I wanted because I didn't have thin thighs! I understand now that there is a lot more to every person than any one quality, and that your positives count for a lot more than you negatives. People love you because of the qualities you do have, and part of love is accepting the other person's flaws, bad luck, and history of what's happened to them- all the good, the bad, and the indifferent. It's understanding that EVERYTHING that has happened to them has made them the person you love, it's everything in the chain of event in their life that have brought the two of you together at this moment in time.

If you love and accept yourself, including accepting the experiences and things that have happened to you, other people will also be drawn to love you. Herpes is no different than any other little difficulty we may have or have accumulated in life. That scar on your knee, a bad relationship that broke your heart, toenail fungus... And like other difficulties we get through in life, it can have its own gifts and rewards that can outweigh any of the negative...it can make you kinder, more compassionate, more understanding, better at communicating...it all depends on how you deal with it.

This may or may not seem like good news. I remember when I was rejected because of the herpes once (of course I told all wrong...after too brief a time, in the heat of the moment, crying, to a germaphobe....) and was devastated. People told me that how I told could affect the result. That I had to get right back up and try again. That all you have to do is get back up again and do it. That herpes wasn't stopping me, I was. But I felt hurt, and wounded, and too weak...I didn't feel strong enough. I was overwhelmed by my own hurt and catastrophizing and negative thinking and didn't know how to get out. I thought I was somehow different...maybe other people might find happiness, but that wouldn't happen to me. Now I realize how foolish I was to think I knew what would happen in life. No human knows. Obviously, eventually I gained the perspective I needed. It wasn't easy, but I think it would have been easier if I could have just really believed then it would be possible for me, if I could have glimpsed my future, glimpsed the way I feel about herpes now...that it really is not a major issue in my life.

It isn't what happens to you in life that determines your happiness, it's how you handle it. It isn't what happens to you in life that determines your happiness, it's what you do to create the life you want. This is as true of herpes as of everything else. This doesn't mean dealing with herpes will always be easy, but it DOES mean that YOU are in control of you life and your happiness...not the herpes.

Everyone experiences difficulties in life. If herpes is the most difficult thing that ever happens to you, you will have a particularly easy life. I have had other difficulties since herpes that felt worse. But I have survived those too. And with every painful experience, when you get through the worst of the emotion, you can come out the other side stronger, with more perspective, more depth, more emotional richness than you had before. And when you get through the emotional pain, you can often look back and see a silver lining. Often in ways you would never have expected. If you love and accept yourself, face your fears, do what you love, live with character honesty and dignity- even when it means doing what's difficult rather than what's easy, take action to get what you want, and have faith, there is nothing that will keep you from achieving happiness. Not herpes. Not anything.

Mary, if this is confirmed as herpes, you will still be okay. It might not be easy, but it will still be okay. If I can come to terms with this, anyone can. And coming to terms with it emotionally is the most important factor in how this will or won't affect your life.


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Rajahadmin
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6559 posts
Dec-22-02, 07:55 PM (CST)
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35. "Lisa2 proves, once again, that..."
In response to message #34
 
there are some really intelligent, articulate, caring, and all around neat people who have herpes and who don't let it keep them from enjoying life to the max.

Thanks for taking the time to write that. It is a huge help to the people who are new to this. What a nice holiday gift to give.

Season's Greetings.

Rajah

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Dec-22-02, 10:56 PM (CST)
 
36. "Aw, shucks..."
In response to message #35
 
   Thanks Rajah. It's nothing compared to the time you put into this place, but I like to help people feel better if I can. I figure enough people have pointlessly wasted time in their lives over this little virus as it is...if we can other people some unnecessary grief, then it gives some purpose to what we went through so it wasn't all in vain.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.


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Jude (Guest)
Guest
Dec-24-02, 10:32 AM (CST)
 
37. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Yes, yes... let me add my cheers and hugs to you for brightening up my mood as well! I was just diagnosed 5 days ago, and have been really down about this, mostly because it feels like my dating life is over. Your story was like a beacon of light, giving me hope that life and love are still in the making, and that H cannot keep me from being happy. I have some amazingly wonderful friends that have come out in force to help me through this, and while I'm far, far from being ready to jump into another sexual relationship, at least I know that there is hope for the future. I wish you worlds of love and happiness! Thanks for being here.
Bright Blessings to You!
In Love and Light,
~Jude


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Lisa2
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867 posts
Jan-14-03, 01:29 AM (CST)
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40. "Hi Jude"
In response to message #37
 
   Congratulations on being able to see the forest for the trees so early in your diagnosis. That suggests to me that dealing with this will be a lot easier for you than it was for me. It is my experience that as soon as you make having herpes okay within yourself, in your head, in your mind..that it suddenly becomes 100% okay in your external dealings with the world- in potential partner's reactions, even in terms of less symptoms for some people.

Wishing you love (of yourself and of the right person when they come along) and happiness,

Lisa


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pg (Guest)
Guest
Jan-02-03, 01:38 PM (CST)
 
38. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Wowwwwwwwwww. You have just totally blessed and encouraged me. What a wonderful message. May God bless you!


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Steph (Guest)
Guest
Jan-03-03, 10:12 PM (CST)
 
39. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   This was one of the greatest gifts I could have read at this time in my life. Thanks so much for sharing.

God Bless!


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fil (Guest)
Guest
Jan-15-03, 04:36 PM (CST)
 
41. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #39
 
   I found out that I have herpes a week ago. I just read your story and I too feel better, but I still have so many questions and I have no one to talk to about them. I feel some what stupid for feeling that my biggest loss is not going to be able to get a blow job with out a condom ever again. I think that worrying about the sex is selfish and that I need to think about other things, but I guess that is the only thing to worry about. Herpes won’t affect any other part of my life right?

I don’t want to put anyone at risk, but goddamn I love oral sex. I don’t want to be without it, but how can I ever feel safe again?

I am a man (obviously) and I am 30. I don’t think that I carried the virus, until I had unprotected sex with a woman this fall. It was a one night stand with a friend of mine and we are still friend though we decided not to date. I just sent her an email telling her about my diagnosis.

I feel lame.

fil


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Jan-15-03, 05:27 PM (CST)
 
42. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #41
 
   I love oral sex too, and worried about that when I was first diagnosed. But think about it- why do you really think you can't ever have a blow job without a condom ever again? Do people with oral herpes (70% of the population) never kiss without a dental dam, or perform oral sex? I have herpes, explain the potential risks, and none of my partners has had the slightest hesitation about going down on me and in fact have been quite enthusiastic about it, and no they don't want to use saran wrap or a dental dam. I also have never considered not kissing a boyfriend or putting saran wrap over his mouth before I kiss him because he had oral HSV1 as a kid or gets a cold sore on occasion, or used a condom when going down on a boyfriend with genital HSV1 or genital HSV2. Not when they have symptoms of course, but at other times...well it's a small risk and hardly anyone avoids getting one kind or another herpes before they die anyway...better to enjoy life and sex and accept the potential risk of acquiring a little skin irritation now and then.

If your partner has oral HSV1 (more people than not have this, a blood test will tell- most people don't have any symptoms), the chances are close to nil that they will get oral HSV2 from you in the absence of an OB anyway. If they don't, HSV2 does not tend to recur often in the oral area anyway.


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adam (Guest)
Guest
Feb-10-03, 09:29 AM (CST)
 
43. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Adam and I have tried this again even after the cheating and him contracting herpes. He is a changed person and understands what has happened and is very very sorry. My concern with taking him back is can we ever have oral sex again and how do I get pregnant? Poking holes in condoms comes to mind what would you suggest?? Andrea


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msmomadmin
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2045 posts
Feb-11-03, 10:00 AM (CST)
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44. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #43
 
   Hi, Adam and Andrea!

You might get more response to this if you posted it on the "Pregnancy and Herpes" forum, or maybe on "Support".

As for your questions, if he has genital herpes and you don't have herpes at all, he can go down on you with no risk. There is some risk involved in you going down on him, but exactly how much depends on what type of herpes he has and whether you have any of the herpes viruses yourself.

Most couples where one person has herpes get pregnant the normal way - they just avoid sex when there are any kind of symptoms. You two have to decide what's best for you. I WOULD recommend waiting until you are sure the relationship has "recovered" from the cheating incident - a baby is a lifelong commitment, not a quick fix for a relationship that's hurting.

Best of luck to you,
M'sMom


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lisa as well (Guest)
Guest
Mar-19-03, 03:07 PM (CST)
 
45. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I don't seem to be able to get out of the depression. I thought I had met the man of my dreams, my soul mate. We were made from the same mold. The first time I got an outbreak I was told it was a staff infection. I have since learned its Herpes2. Anyways getting back to my boyfriend when I told him, he told me he couldn't deal with it and ended our relationship. I had waited 15 yrs to meet him and I'm now I'm single due to herpes. I keep thinking of how happy we could have been. I don't even want to wait a year to find someone and I truly believe I will be waiting forever or have to settle for less. Its funny because my ex-boyfriend told me he hadn't felt like this in 20 yrs when he met me and yet was willing to end it. Can you imagine when I meet other men how I will be treated.
Like a leper.


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msmomadmin
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2045 posts
Mar-19-03, 10:27 PM (CST)
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46. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #45
 
   Hey, Lisa.

I'm really, really sorry your Prince Charming turned out to be a turd.

Please don't assume that you're "single due to herpes" - if he upped and left because of a stinky little virus, it wasn't a match made in heaven anyway. When you meet a man who truly loves you and wants to be with you, he won't blink an eye about herpes. In fact, a lot of guys who just like you and want to shag you won't either.

I know you feel awful right now, and I'm so sorry that you're sad, but there IS hope. Check out LaPetite, Angela, Angie Bug, Rajah.... there are any number of folks here who found love AFTER herpes.

Hugs and hang in there.

M'sMom


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Jun-13-03, 02:19 AM (CST)
 
50. "You deserve better"
In response to message #45
 
   Hi Lisa

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down in the dumps. It sucks. Been there done that bought the T-shirt, I have herpes my life is over no one will want me sob sob sob...it really hurts. The pain is real. However, much of that is self-inflicted. I am not saying this to blame you, but to give you a sense of control over something you feel you can't control. Perspective makes a world of difference, but it is hard to find when you are in the thick of it, and recently rejected. I am hoping I can help you find it.

Think a minute. I'm sorry, but am I missing something here? It sounds like your ex may very well be the one who gave this to you, and he doesn't want to admit either that he has it, or deal with the guilt of giving it to you...whether he realized he had it or not...or maybe had symptoms he "conveniently" ignored as something else, which in retrospect... do you understand what I am getting at?

If that is not the case, and you had this prior to your BF, think again. If he can't deal with a skin condition that 1/3 of women between the ages of 25 and 35 have, what COULD he deal with? Building a life with someone has its ups and downs. A serious lifetime relationship WILL put two people through a lot of trauma together. Life is not always peaches and cream. What would happen if you got pregnant, and he decided, "He couldn't deal with it". What if you got married and had kids and he discovered that 3 am feedings were stressful and hard, and "He couldn't deal with it". What if you got breast cancer, and "He couldn't deal with it". What if you both fall on hard times financially, and "He couldn't deal with it". What if your kid grows to be a teenager, and starts acting out big time, and "He couldn't deal with it". What if the responsibilities of a house and kids just get to be too much for him, and "He couldn't deal with it". If he can't deal with something as minor as herpes, how could he ever deal with the difficulties of married life, of kids, of any difficulties than can and will inevitable come your way, as they do for everyone in this world?

There is a part of you that loves you unconditionally and wants, and only wants to accept, is only willing to accept, the best for you. This is not about outward things. It is about being treated well, loved well, creating a life where you respect yourself and are respected by those you love. It is the part of you that recognizes you for the special, loving, kind, beautiful miracle that you are, that deserves all the happiness this world has to offer. This is the mother within yourself, and you need to find her now.

I think if you ask her, she would tell you that this man did not deserve you. She would not just be saying it to make you feel better. She would really mean it. She would say it with anger at his shallowness and fire in her heart. And she would be thankful that you were saved from this man, before you got deeper into a relationship that was destined to cause you pain. This is the part of yourself you need to get in touch with now.

And somewhere inside you, there is the voice of faith. There is a trust that if you live your life as a good person, and do the right thing, and do your part to make the best life for yourself...that everything will work out for the best, that everything happens for a reason. And one day you will look back on this moment from the peak of happiness you will come to from the path that this event, and the rest of your life takes you, and realize that everything does happen for a reason, and were it not for crossing the valleys you could have never reached the top of the mountain.

The most important person you will ever fall in love with in this life is yourself. Because until you do that, you can never truly love another.

It is not important that you find someone else to love right now. It is important that you love yourself. That your treat yourself with kindness and respect. That you recognize your self worth, and value all the wonderful qualities you have to offer. That you realize you deserve to be loved, to be treated well, by someone you love, and respect, and admire. And that any man deserving of your love will feel feel grateful for it, whether you gain ten pounds, whether you have a bad day, whether you get creases by your eyes when you smile, and yes, whether you have herpes. Because none of that will matter, compared to the miracle of finding and loving you, and being loved in return.

Don't worry about someone loving you. Work on treating yourself with love. Think of that mother inside you who loves you, and recognizes how precious you are. If someone said the things to you that you are saying to yourself, that no one will love you, that you are untouchable...mother bear would be furious at them, would want to lash out at the one who was abusing her daughter so. So don't abuse yourself with those kind of negative thoughts. When you start to think them, ask yourself what the mother inside you would think if someone said such things to you. Imagine what she would say, what she would think of such hurtful and untrue statements. Put yourself in her shoes, and tell yourself what she would say. Talk back to the negative thoughts until you banish them from your mind. Then do something nice for yourself, something you can be proud of. Run a mile. Write a poem. Learn to cook a perfect Béarnaise. Or just take a bubble bath with candles and music. Do at least one nice thing for yourself every day, at least one thing that brings you joy, at least one thing that expands your world (taking a class, reading a book on archaeology, seeing a foreign movie) and at least one thing you can be proud of- whether it is swimming ten extra laps or applying for a better job or volunteering in a soup kitchen or slipping a quarter into someone's meter so they don't get a ticket, and at least one social act (seeing a friend, going to a party, writing an email, calling your mother). Practice love, to yourself, for yourself, and towards the world. When you do these things, your life becomes fuller, richer and more rewarding. You will radiate joy, and happiness. You will be interesting to others and interested in life. And when your life is so full and rewarding that you are getting by just fine without someone, you will find that people- friends and lovers- will be drawn to love you, to enter your world. And nothing, not herpes, not anything, will stand in your way.


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danny5 (Guest)
Guest
May-09-03, 06:52 PM (CST)
 
47. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Hi, your story was helpful. I'm wondering if I can reach
you by email so I can ask you some more questions about you
and how they can relate to me?...not every question is
found on herpes websites and i would appreciate your insight
because it seems you've made it and you can shine a lil bit
of light this way. my email is notorious05_2000@yahoo.com
hope to hear from you soon =)


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Lisa2
Charter Member
867 posts
Jun-13-03, 01:00 PM (CST)
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51. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #47
 
   Hi Danny I logged in so you can email to my Racoon mailbox, I think that feature is still enabled.


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palmtree
Charter Member
5 posts
May-12-03, 11:13 PM (CST)
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48. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you for encouragement message.
I cried when I read your message. This fear really can control us, can't it? I am glad that I checked this site.
Also just reading your story, I am also glad that I have a boyfriend who is willing to go through this tough time with me.

One again, thank you....., Lisa2


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Workout12 (Guest)
Guest
May-20-03, 09:47 AM (CST)
 
49. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I really needed to read that Lisa2, especially after finding out recently that the guy I care for considers getting involved with me a "risk" and doesn't care to pursue a relationship with me. It is very hard to take. Your story gave me encouragement. Thank you.


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katied (Guest)
Guest
Jul-23-03, 09:41 PM (CST)
 
52. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you for sharing your wonderful success story. I feel much like you described yourself in the beginning - like I will be rejected by all future prospects.

Thank you very much!


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TWTCH (Guest)
Guest
Jul-29-03, 02:07 PM (CST)
 
53. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you so much for your post. When I was diagnosed 5 months ago, it seemed like most of the people I was connected with who had it either tried to convince me that it was no big deal or they told me that it was still something they struggled with on a daily basis. In other words, people either seemed to not have been too upset or they'd never really gotten over it. I was despondent when I first found out. I needed to hear from someone who understood that kind of despair but who'd managed to overcome the depression and find happiness and joy equal to what they'd known before. Your post was exactly the kind of thing I needed to hear: understanding of what I've been feeling, but real hope and inspiration that things could and would get better. Without that hope, life has scarcely felt worth living to me. I realize this is a process and that it will take time, but your example is an incredible inspiration from me. I've heard people say that what defines you isn't what happens to you in life as much as how you respond to what happens to you. That always felt like a hollow feelgood-ism, but I'm starting to realize the wisdom in that. When you have the strength and courage to love, honor, and accept yourself no matter what, that's where real happiness and peace of mind come from. It sucks to have to be tested that way sometimes, but if you can accept the challenge, you can find self-esteem and self-love greater than you've ever known. Thank you for helping to make this point. I'm grateful for your post.


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Lisa2
Guest
Sep-12-03, 06:01 PM (CST)
 
56. "Glad my story helped you"
In response to message #53
 
   I haven't been around the forums much lately, busy living my life, ya know...there will come a time when you are to busy being happy to think dwell on herpes as well Good luck in your process....may you come out the other side a stronger, wiser, and yes...happier person. Your post indicates to me that you are fully capable of all that and more.


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Yoshi2me
Charter Member
3137 posts
Sep-12-03, 10:50 PM (CST)
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58. "RE:"
In response to message #56
 
   Lisa2~
You have a very good story!
Would you be willing to share it on this web page?
http://members.cox.net/yoshi2me/Stories/Stories.htm
You can reach me at: yoshi2me@cox.net
I would love to put your story out there and if you are feeling brave enough to share a photo that would be AWESOME, too!
What do you think?
~Angela

www.yoshi2me.com


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Ann (Guest)
Guest
Aug-04-03, 04:50 PM (CST)
 
54. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I was very glad reading your story. I am now in the position where my boyfriend and I are contemplating marriage. I had been honest with him from the beginning and at first, he was fine. Then I had an outbreak and while he was calm and fine for a while. Since then we hadn't had sex. This past weekend we talked and since we have been talking marriage now - this is something that is coming to mind. He says that everything else is perfect, he is attracted to me, he loves me....It is just that his brain is trying to think into the future. I have told him the stats and my outbreaks are maybe once a year or every year and a half. He had said to me that he thinks that he is probably making a bigger deal out of this and at this point I am of the frame of mind that there is nothing else I can say. We are not breaking up while he is thinking about this, but I guess, I am wondering if you or your husband has any words of wisdom...I love this man and I do want to marry him. I know that he loves me and I am hoping that that is enough...


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Lisa2
Guest
Sep-12-03, 06:18 PM (CST)
 
57. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #54
 
   The man in my post is not my husband actually, it did not work out for us, not herpes related at all, and no, he didn't get herpes, even though we didn't use condoms and had sex post-breakup off and on in the weaning stage when I was not on suppressives. We are still friends.

As for your man, herpes is everywhere, between 1and 4 and 1 in 3 women have genital herpes, and you can get genital herpes from oral sex from more than half the population. You can reduce the chances he will contract it from you, because you know you have it and know what to watch for, and can take suppressives. Depending on your case, and the precautions you decide to take and how well you recognize your symptoms, it may be likely that after a 50 year marriage, he will not have contracted the virus. If he does, studies indicate early antiviral treatment may make the symptoms barely noticeable or non-recurring for most people. I took acyclovir early and have had 2 obs in...what is it now, 9 years? Yes a small minority of people have bad problems with it but new treatments are coming out everyday, a small percentage of planes crash too, and we still get on planes, don't we?

The point is, it is far from a certainty he would get it from you, he could esily get it from someone else, and the main point is, even if he does get it, what do you think he would regret more on his deathbed 50 years from now..

"Damn, I wish I hadn't married my wonderful wife and had a great loving family, because I got on occasional itch on my pecker."

or,

" I wish I hadn't let my true soul mate get away over something as insignificant as an occasional rash".

When you marry someone, you accept them for better or for worse. If a common skin virus is a dealbreaker for him, he obviously doesn't have the strength of character and dependability and steadfastness any wife deserves. Give him the time he needs to think things through. I suspect than when he thinks it through, he'll realize that love is much harder to find than herpes...and more important, in terms of happiness.


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joanna
Charter Member
306 posts
Aug-05-03, 10:52 AM (CST)
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55. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   thanks for the post, really! it was great and i printed it out yesterday to give to my man, whom i just told yesterday as well. i am curious to see how he feels when he reads it. i think it will be very helpful to him, as it was to me, and obviously so many others!

thank you....
joanna


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Lisa2
Guest
Dec-05-03, 00:17 AM (CST)
 
59. "Glad to have helped, Joanna"
In response to message #55
 
   Hope all went well with you and your man.

I don't come here much anymore. Probably because I haven't been thinking about herpes lately, it just isn't on my radar these days. Perhaps that. knowing a day will come when you don't think about herpes at all, is the greatest success story of all.


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Rajahadmin
Charter Member
6559 posts
Dec-05-03, 08:57 AM (CST)
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60. "Lisa2!!!"
In response to message #59
 
So glad that you dropped by to let us know that everything is going so well. Don't be such a stranger..

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain


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Lisa2
Guest
Feb-12-04, 01:31 PM (CST)
 
65. "Hi Rajah!"
In response to message #60
 
   I'll try to drop in now and then, life is busy these days. Hope all is well with you too!


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blizzard
Member since Dec-13-03
1 posts
Dec-13-03, 08:09 PM (CST)
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61. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   What a great motivational letter!!! Thank you so much!!!!

friends


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flowerchild
Guest
Dec-13-03, 10:41 PM (CST)
 
62. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   My God, I thought I was reading MY story when I read this. I was in tears reading your story. And you are so right, when someone truly loves you, nothing else matters. I have had HSV for 14 months. I went through the same feelings of worthlessness and depression that you did. I finally snapped out of it after about 4 months. 6 months ago, I began a relationship with someone I have known for 5 years. We had been coworkers the entire time, and he proceeded to pursue me not too long after I was diagnosed (of course HE didn't know of the diagnoses at the time). I finally decided to "take the plunge" and go out with him. When I finally felt the need to tell him, he just said, "I don't care...I am in love with you, and I wouldn't care if you had AIDS; I will never leave your side as long as you will have me." I was in tears from relief and joy. I think I have truly found my soul mate. And I honestly think that having this "ailment" (which is nothing but a mild inconvenience for me) helped to me really find someone who did love me. I am new to this website, since I just got online, so I will continue to read more success stories. Thank you so much for your story and God bless you!


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honey
Guest
Jan-03-04, 03:33 PM (CST)
 
63. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #62
 
   Its so good to hear such positive outcomes, after diagnosis of this virus! I've still yet to be diagnosed with H, but I'm 99% sure that it is there! The only thought on my mind for the past two months has been that 'I'm gonna be on my own forever', its irrational, but its an inner fear that I suppose we all have! I hope that some day, I will have the same happy, confident and positive outlook on life! If only for the sake of my sanity!


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thankful
Guest
Jan-09-04, 12:53 PM (CST)
 
64. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Lisa2,

If you are still out there....I would like to thank you for writing such an amazing letter. You are so honest and articulate. That letter had a great effect on me. I have read it over an over. It does provide a refreshing (positive) outlook to the whole situation.

aopler@hotmail.com


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Lisa2
Guest
Feb-12-04, 01:34 PM (CST)
 
66. "Glad to hear it"
In response to message #64
 
   yes, I'm still out here

now you get out there and start living again, 'k?

Life is too beautiful to waste it having pity parties for yourself

They aren't a lot of fun and it's lonely


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lisa33
Guest
Mar-10-04, 07:00 PM (CST)
 
67. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   You have made me feel better. I was dx 3 years ago after my 1st husband cheated on me. I had a mild 1st outbreak and have never had another one since. I am now remarried to a wonderful man, he knows but doesn't seem to bother him. We have been together 2 years and have always had unprotected sex. He has never had any indication of the virus. But lately I have really been concerned about shedding. Since I have never had a recurrence my doctor doesn't feel that suppressive therapy is for me and he feels that the likelihood of transmitting it my husband through shedding is unlikely. But i still cant help but worrying. My husband says if he isn't worried then i shouldn't be and if this is the worst thing we have to go through then we are lucky.
Another concern I have is that we are trying to get pregnant and i have heard that women will get more recurrences during pregnancy. So i am afraid i may pass it on the him during that time. I guess i am just worrying too much.


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Lisa2
Guest
Mar-15-04, 03:18 PM (CST)
 
68. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #67
 
   Glad you are doing well.

Shedding is linked to OB's. More Ob's/symptoms=more shedding, and the reverse is also true. What my doctor told me is that if I am not having Ob's, chances are I am not shedding either. When I first started having unprotected sex with the partner in my story above, I did have two OB's soon before we had sex. She did prescribe low-dose antivirals for me which I took suppressively, for a couple of years. They gave me more comfort with agreeing to my partner's wish to stop using condoms. I haven't taken the suppressives for several years, have not had an ob for about 5 years, and have not passed it on as far as I know, had a scare once but it turned out to be something else.

The exception to the lack of ob's/symptoms=no/minimal shedding equation is when someone actually is having mild OB's and symptoms but does not recognize them as herpes.


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